I hope everyone is doing well!
I have settled into the back to school routine. The kids have their stuff. They are doing very well.
I have moved office locations, sadly, and instead of being in the city I am a half hour drive north at the plant site. I used to work out here, but I had been in town for over 13 years. The one plus is craig also works out here “at site” and so we drive together. There is a bus, but it picks us up at 6:20 and that’s just too early for me.
I’ve injured my back. Badly. I actually really hurt it over the summer, but Physio seemed to be helping. Then last week I went to a different yoga class and twisted in a strange way and BANG. intense pain. Stars pain. Pain that follows me through the day. Standing up, carrying things.
Since then I have been trying to accomodate it, but have been doing a poor job. I taught yoga Friday, Monday and Tuesday. During each class I found myself in a position where I could not move without great pain. Mainly because I insisted on demonstrating a posture that put pressure on my lower back. Poses I can normally hold easily. Ego.
And, in my stubbornness and refusal to accept I am injured, I went to a nice class I like last night. And suffered through it. I tried to modify poses slightly, but I quickly was in constant and severe pain.
I recognized my ego. It is really hard to modify when you”know” you can do something. Especially when that something is something you love to do. I love sun salutations, triangle, shoulder stands. It always feels like a celebration of life to me.
It is hard to do less.
At some point in the class I realized I’m grasping. I’m worrying about what others think if I don’t do the full pose. I’m not listening to my body. I’m not embodying my belief that it’s not about the pose, but the intention. That Maybe I still do want yoga to change my body, as well as to change my mind…so many thoughts! I almost packed up and left.
Instead I stopped. I laid on my back while the class continues. And it was REALLY HARD to stay there. I kept noticing my want to get up and try again. And I just kept telling myself there is honestly nothing to do. This is yoga. Honouring my body. Accepting things as they are. Breathing. Releasing. One pose is not better than another. Savasana is not less than trikonasna. They are all yoga.
By the time the class come into savasana I had found my stillness. She ends the class with mint oil and it was absolutely lovely.
Perhaps this is my path right now. I may go to class and spend the entire time laying in savasana. Giving myself the stillness and peace I so love. Finding acceptance of what is.
There are lessons everywhere.
Stillness and peace