It appears it will be another scary fire season up here. I suppose that is one part of living in the middle of the Canadian wilderness that people don’t consider. Sigh.
Otherwise, I am enjoying my work, I am going on a helicopter ride of the area next week and a ground truthing exploration with some elders and an oil company later in the month. I am learning a lot…especially about indigenous culture. It’s amazing. who knew that at 52 I could be so excited to go to work!
For anyone just finding me, lol, I still believe sobriety was the first step back to living life. Lots has happened, but i continue to choose me.
Milo is also doing well. Since his surgery was unsuccessful he remains a vegetarian, special dog, lol. I truly hope he lives a long life this way. He’s my best little buddy and his love brightens every day.
In her book “Daring Greatly,” Brown indicates that foreboding joy is one way you subconsciously try to protect yourself from vulnerability.
Foreboding joy says: If I don’t feel extremely happy, I won’t feel extremely disappointed.
My life is good. My new job is going well, the people are truly wonderful and I feel valued and respected for my experience. the work is already interesting, the travel has been nice and I have been to two hockey games in private suites! Money is also nice…lol
My kids are both living with me and inching towards independence slowly. Neither have a clear plan for their lives (lol, does anyone at 18 or 20? Or 52?), but they are also not too worried. They are good people and they make my days fulfilling.
My health feels ok. I’m focusing on a cleaner and more planned diet, with lots of vegetables and less French fries and my body like it. I am sleeping better and moving easier.
And even as I read this I worry. Is it ok to recognize things are currently good? Is this fear foreboding joy, as Brene brown says? Is it a self protective mechanism I have used to try to stay as neutral as possible?
I know my desire to be zen and unwavering isn’t always helpful and that it means dimming the good to try to stop the bad. It has never worked in the past. I am not a robot.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS applies to the good and the bad. Things will change at some point in a way I cannot possibly know. Not because of anything I do, but just because that is how this life goes. Everything is unfolding exactly as they are supposed to.
I feel happy. I am allowed to be happy. I should enjoy the happy.
I expect there will be some more disappointments inmy life. They won’t be because I was happy today.
This post is a reminder to myself. You have done hard things and still you can look around, right now, and feel joy. What a gift. allow it Anne.
In December I planned to take some time, not sub so much and really think about what I wanted to do next. I was tired and realized I hadn’t really done this.
Ha. The universe laughed. Right after I decided this I had a couple people contact me from my old job, asking if they could pass my name on. I thought about it, but decided, why not.
Well, a lovely woman contacted me from a local First Nations group. They were looking for a technical manager to provide industry expertise….and wanted a local person.
I had 28 years of local industry experience, with emphasis on regulatory and environmental affairs. Seemed perfect.
But….wasn’t i going to take time? should i say no?
My initial no, turned into coffee. The company addressed all my concerns and met all my requests. I couldn’t say no.
And today was day one of my latest adventure.the people are wonderful. The coffee was delicious. They had a nameplate ready on the wall. I was so welcomed….i feel so good.
In the mean time, between offer and today, I spent a week in Hawaii, on my own. I even learned to snorkel and surf! Me! Both were hard!
My word for 2024 is go. I am going to stop thinking so hard and just go with it! So far, so good!
This was the view from my room. I left Alberta at -40 C and spent a week at 27c. It was paradise.
A lot has happened over those years. Some happy, much difficult and traumatic.
I managed it all without alcohol.
I realized in year 1 that I had been biding my life away, looking into the wine glass and wondering where my life had gone. I was so depressed and disappointed and tired. I thought it was me…
Turns out, this is alcohol. It sucks you in and then eventually down to where life is small and bleak
I have a lovely life. And I have infinite possibilities.
Thank you to anyone who continues to follow my journey. I hope my candour encourages you to leave the poison behind and find freedom.
Yesterday I taught my first yoga class since March 2020 when Covid shut everything down. It was lovely. My yoga class is called Finding Stillness. It is yin yoga and yoga nidra. During the class yesterday I had a real awakening.
I need to be still.
I have been subbing a lot of jr and sr high. I am enjoying it. I really like the kids.
That said, I realize I have not given myself space to pause and consider what I want the next chapter to be. When I was laid off at the end of July I was busy – I had a trip, I had paperwork and it was summer. Then school started and I started subbing. I started thinking I would try 2 days a week and now I am usually there every day.
It is great and I really love the students, even when it’s challenging, but it is also extremely mentally draining. some days I cover 3 or 4 different classes. So much attendance, reading plans, noise, change.
I had worked at the same company for 27 years – starting immediately after graduation from university. At 51 (for 2 more weeks, lol) I have infinite possibilities ahead of me. This is scary! And I can see I’m filling my time rather than contemplating.
Someone asked me if I could consider the next year a sabbatical. My severance cover a couple years of income. I have savings. I have a pension. I am good. Yet when asked to sub I feel the “I should” both because they need subs, but also for the money. Why? Well, I suppose that is what the stillness will tell me.
Doing, for me, is always easier than pausing and being still. Do, perform, achieve, do more. Don’t think too much.
No, that is not how i want to live my life. I want to be inspired. And I think I need some space to allow that to happen.
Next week I reach 10 years of continuous sobriety. It is amazing how quickly time passes…
Thank you for listening. If you have any advice, I would love it!
I was laid off/packaged off/made redundant? 2 weeks ago.
It was a shock. I knew the company was doing lay offs. Suncor had announced a 15% reduction in staff positions…but as a 27 year syncrude employee I guess I had always felt somewhat safe here in the north and at the plant, even as Syncrude became Suncor.
So. I went to work, got to my office, was invited to a meeting (not unusual) and was read the one line….we are restructuring and you are no longer part of our future. No returning to my office – someone would pack my things and send them to me.
A review of exit paperwork and then the longest wait ever. No one had thought to call a taxi and so we waited an hour for one as my work location was 45 km outside of town and I took the company bus in that morning.
I will say it was all a blur. I shed a couple shocked tears, but mostly listened without comprehending and then waited with the hr rep(who I know). Along the way and other friend stopped us in the lobby asking what we were doing and I just told him the truth. It made it real.
I think the thing that hurt me the most was leaving that way in the taxi. After all these years, working my entire career there, and anticipating retiring from there in 3 years, I had envisioned leaving with happy goodbyes and waves….funny how when things play out differently they feel so wrong. At the same time, it felt final, and an ending. A closure I will probably be glad for some day.
As luck would have it I had vacation scheduled immediately after. I almost cancelled, but I decided to go. I spent the next week in Cape Breton Nova Scotia surrounded by family, swimming in the ocean and watching the sunset. It was the best vacation I have ever had and it reminded me that there is so much world out beyond northern alberta.
So. Here I am. I feel like a scared little bird that has had to be pushed out of the nest! I expect now I need to fly! I have no idea what my next plans are. I have a career coach provided for 4 months and will indulge in that. I need to get my house ready to sell. Both kids, who are 18 and 20, are in school here this year and so I think I will plan to remain until the spring. They will not stay past then either I don’t think.
My “word” this year had become infinite possibilities. I feel like this has materialized. I am excited to see what comes.
Needless to say, booze will not be part of my plans. As always, I can see, in the back of my mind, how easily I could let this become self destructive sadness. Unelected change is always hard.
But No. Syncrude was an excellent place to work and they provided me with so much for many many years. I am not going to allow a difficult corporate decision to change that.
Along my trip I drove by myself up the amazing coast of Nova Scotia to Buddhist monastery Gampo Abbey. I looked for a sign and this is what I found. Endings. Beginnings. Patience. Just like this amazing sunset I saw every night in Cape Breton…signs everywhere.
This is one decision I never revisit. There is absolutely nothing in my life that could be Improved with booze
Nine years of continuous sobriety, living life with open eyes and a full heart. Nine years full of moments of deep beauty and some deep pain. I am thankful for both.
This blog gives me a glimpse back into those years. I am grateful for everyone who encouraged me to continue writing, and for those who write themselves. Together we change the world.
I hope(plan) to be here for 10 next year, with little Milo laying beside me.
I can’t believe I haven’t written since may. My life really isn’t that exciting, lol.
Milo made it through his surgery and is still recovering. His liver didn’t “kick in” as we had hoped, and he is still on a special diet and kind of delicate. I fine with that. I cook his food and it’s all easy. He is a bright fluff ball and the kids and I dote on him. All 6 lbs of him!
My daughter is getting through grade 12. She is thinking about next years and looking forward. This makes my life so much simpler.
My son stayed here and went to our college. He is playing Valorant for the e sports team and is enjoying things. I am tired of chauffeuring him around, so I bought him a 2011 Toyota Matrix. All he needs is to get his license! He finished drivers Ed today and hopefully takes his road test on a week or so.
I’m tolerating work. My role isn’t what I expected and it isn’t for me. I keep trying to find some acceptance and to just do a good job and not think about it too much. I’ve been at the company 26 years! I need to just smile and nod and hope 2023 brings a more suitable role.
I’m still sober. In December I will have 9 years. It seems impossible to think that. I remember when I couldn’t get 9 days….weekends were just too complicated.
Like always,time has both dragged and flown. Probably the most strange part was realizing that it will have been 4 years since Craig and I split soon.I had gotten myself a new car that December as a gift to me, and it was time to upgrade. 4 years….it still seems recent!
Anyway, I got a 2022 Lincoln Corsair, which is exactly what I had, just 4 years newer! It’s even black again. I loved it and had no reason to look at anything else. My new one has massaging seats! Something I didn’t know I needed,lol.
I hope you are all well.if you haven’t written a post for a while, take this as a request to check in! Happy thanksgiving if you are in Canada!
I’m writing from my hotel room in Saskatoon. Milo and I flew here last week for him to have surgery on his liver shunt. The surgery was on Thursday and he was supposed to come home today, but there were complications. Hopefully he’s released tomorrow. today was very scary. It started with the concern he would need a second surgery! A scan showed he didn’t…but the waiting for the results really freaked me out and all I could think was of the worst case.
This has been tiring and stressful. Being alone in the hotel makes me feel lonely. I went out and had a pedicure yesterday and chatted with a girl and it help me remember there’s tons of people out there living their lives, with their own issues. It’s hard to be alone in a strange city. I feel sorry for myself!
This afternoon I had some strange thought that anyone else would be having drinks in their room. That it would be a way to pass the time and dull the worry. The thought was so strong….
Instead I took a nap. I am tired. My brain is tired. Between work, where things are constantly changing and I feel very undervalued, Milo, who seems so helpless and who I am so attached to, travelling and being in a hotel, the cost of all this and just taking care of everything….I’m fried. I wanted to escape.
The nap helped. Then I ate. Had a shower. Watched my team lose the hockey game (go flames go). I message a few friends and told them I was worried. It all became manageable. I know drinking will never be the answer for me (or anyone). It doesn’t fix anything…it just defers the problems and stress. And maybe adds to it.
I am saying a little prayer that Milo has a goodnight and tomorrow he gets out of the hospital! If you have a minute please send him good vibes. He’s my little dude!
ainsobriety 