What does a fun, sober weekend look like?

Flew to Vancouver for Slayer w Lamb if god, anthrax, testament, Behemoth

Then continued on to Columbus to Rock on The Range with tool, body count, Alice in Chains, I Prevail and many more.

Life is good.

Stillness and peace



I want to be sober. Should I try vitamins? A French class?

I want to be sober. Should I try vitamins? A French class?

— Read on www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/2018/05/06/i-want-to-be-sober-should-i-try-vitamins-a-french-class/

For anyone new Belle is awesome. Because a new diet or workout plan is probably not going to get you where you want to be.


So, how is your Monday?

It’s Monday. How was your weekend?

Are you sitting at your desk wishing the weekend had gone differently? Puffy, tired looking and maybe slightly hungover still?Angry with yourself that you drank AGAIN. That all your plans for not drinking, going to the gym and eating healthy went out the weekend as soon as someone offered you a glass of wine?

Because, hey…you deserve it. You work hard and volunteer and take care of everyone else and give give give. A little wine is your treat. It’s not like you are an alcoholic drinking on a park bench. You are ok. You are fine.

I remember so many Monday’s like this. My resolve to quit drinking/moderate would be strong. My anxiety would be high. My hands would be puffy and I looked old. And I felt oh so tired.

But then Friday would roll around and I would feel better and the call to drink would be strong. Everyone else drinks. It’s FUN. life is meaningless without fun….Plus, my husband drank, so screw it. I will too. I have a job, House, nice kids, expensive trips.

And so the cycle continues. Drink, regret, drink, regret. With lots of days of not drinking in there, showing myself I didn’t have a problem. It crushed my soul. All that denial and lying to myself.

The alternative is quite amazing, simple but hard. It requires you to not drink today…and to repeat that same cycle indefinitely. You don’t need to think about it too much. Just say no whenever the option of drinking comes up.

If it’s hard, find some help. Maybe the help is online and you make a plan to avoid social situations for a while and cocoon in your house and let yourself begin to heal.

If that doesn’t work maybe you seek out Aa and suck it up and swallow your pride and go see what they offer. You will be welcomed and you may just find a deep connection to others that you have been searching for all your life.

Or maybe you call an addictions therapist and consider outpatient or inpatient treatment. Treatment is not just for the “worst” drunks. It can be the break a person needs to get an otherwise successful life back on track. And it is a huge brave show of self compassion.

And then one day you will realize life is truly more fun sober. Your kids will have a newfound respect for you, your work performance might improver, or, if not, you might just like your job more. Things will seem simpler. Maybe you will find a new outlook on life and will realize that alcohol might have been fun in your 20s, but a drunk middle aged woman (or man) is not cute or attractive.

And then weekend can be spent have real fun. I spent this past weekend with my daughter at a comic expo. She loves all that and I was there to help her explore her passion. Warning…she’s creepy.

So. My Monday is awesome. Yes, I am at work. Yes, I may have eaten way too much crap this weekend. But I am sober, clearheaded and looking ahead with optimism.

You can too. End the cycle of addiction today. Take a hard step.

Stillness and peace


Heartbreak in Canada

Like many other Canadians I spent the weekend watching the horror of a bus crash in rural Saskatchewan unfold.

A junior hockey team on a bus trip to a playoff game crashes. 15 of 29 people are dead and the rest injured to varying degrees. 10 of those killed were players for the Humboldt Broncos. The rest of those killed were coaches and support staff, including their driver and the radio colour commentator.

Of course, accidents happen all the time, but this one struck a nerve. It was was this picture that broke my heart and started tears that keep sneaking out.

To me, this picture is one of absolute joy, unlimited potential and camaraderie. They are invincible. The smiles, the youth, the dyed blonde hair. I look at this picture and I can feel life itself. These are people who got on that bus…

And in a moment all that was lost.

The next photo I saw broke my heart further.

The lives interrupted, knowing their future is forever changed. The bond between friends holding each other together. Whatever they thought they would be doing this weekend…it was not this.

The pain the families and friends of the Broncos must feel is unfathomable. The first responders and doctors who dealt with the crash deserve a million thanks and prayers.

The outpouring of love and support has been unending. I know nothing can change what has happened, but to do something, anything, to make things even a bit better is the desire of every CANADIAN. I expect most of us donate money and wear green in support and say a prayer that we never have to experience something like this ourselves.

Life is full of the unexpected.

The Winnipeg jets and Chicago blackhawks showed just how deeply we are all connected in wearing the Broncos name on their jerseys. In our hearts, we are all Broncos.

Stillness and peace


Blogging forever? When does it end?

This is a question we all face. Do I keep writing? If so? Why? And what?

I had absolutely no thoughts that I would be wringing a sober blog for 4 years. When I started this I don’t think I even planned to be sober for 4 years….

But here I am.

I continue to blog because I love the connection. I love having a safe space to explore my own though process. I love to share my story in the hopes it might make a difference to someone else. Maybe I could help them, or myself, avoid even a bit of future suffering. This is part of my yoga.

I blog when something inspires or annoys me. After all, it’s my space. I get to say what I want!

I blog when I am scared and struggling. The love and kindness that comes from strangers, the coping strategies and stories. They all help me see myself more clearly. Gh to do that when in the midst of crisis.

And I blog to remind myself that the foundation for my current life is sobriety. This life is formed by honesty, self compassion and contentment. It is important to remember that my drinking life involved lying, shame and self hatred. I know alcohol, was not the sole reason for that, but it was my coping mechanism to avoid dealing with them.

I fear that adding alcohol back into my life would welcome back those negatives as well. It might also shake the mental health stability that I work hard to maintain.

I don’t love in fear of alcohol. I don’t really think about it much. Except to be grateful to myself that I saw the writing on the wall and quit when I did.

I don’t underestimate the power of that gratitude. I have seem people with long term sobriety relapse and it is not fun. I try very hard to make my life as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible.

For me, the connection to the blogging world is a reaffirmation daily that I accept my sober life as it is and I choose to live it the best way I can. One day at a time.

Stillness and peace


Thank you

Thank you all for lifting me up when I was down.

There is a power of connection that exists, even here in the virtual blog world, that heals.

I have actually found quite a bit of peace in the fact that this is all out in the open. Yes, last year was poor. I know why, and I have made changes to avoid it. There’s no looming talk. The fear of the unknown is gone. I can stop projecting this conversation in my head.

The night I write my last post I took my son to hockey and he was the star of the game. His joy reminded me that I have so much beauty in my life. That’s work is just one aspect of it. One I just can’t let tarnish the rest.

It scares me sometimes that I can get caught up in that dark dwelling. But when I write about it, and tell my friends about it, and take care of myself, it all becomes simpler. I’m sticking with simple and gentle for a while.

I was supposed to go to a funeral of an acquaintance this weekend. I sent my husband alone. I just didn’t think I had the extra capacity to hold other peoples grief.

So thank you for being there for me. I love you all. And I am here for you too.

Stillness and peace,


Hard days make me tired

I had a hard day today. I felt undervalued and criticized at work.

Sometimes a hard day sucks everything out of me and I am surprised at how easily I slip back into the thoughts that nothing really matter, that no one cares, that I am alone. Dark thoughts.

I see them. It disappoints me that they are still there, but I have found if I tell others that they exist they aren’t quite so scary.

And one of my good friends reminded me that I am the sky. These thought are just the weather. Some days have rain clouds. Some have beautiful sunshine.

I will take extra care tonight. Maybe a warm bubble bath, cozy Pajamas and bed.

I hope my stillness and peace feels a bit closer tomorrow.


Ps sometimes I wonder if it’s good to write about these hard days. But I find it helps me to be able to look back and see my own ups and downs. The hard thing about depression is when it shows up I just can’t believe it will ever end.

The voice of I’M FINE

I have probably written about this before, but it’s January and there are lots of new faces!

If you have just started the sober journey, welcome! You are making a choice that might just lead you to a love of freedom and limitless possibility. The life we all have, but that gets bogged down in the booze.

If you are back from a break/relapse/whatever, it’s great to see you again. Big hug.

So. It’s 10days into January. The novelty of declaring that you are quitting drinking has worn off. Perhaps you have found these 10days easy and you are beginning to hear that inner voice slyly telling you nothing was wrong. Everyone drinks. You deserve it. You haven’t lost your job, house, marriage. You are FINE. Just drink moderately.

It’s good that you can hear that voice. It is important to recognize it. And it is also important to remember that not everything we think is true. Denial, especially around addictive behaviour, is strong. No one wants to feel like they have let things get out of control. Especially not anyone how otherwise is successful and driven. I know. This thinking kept me drinking much longer than I knew I should have.

But you are here, and so you realize that perhaps alcohol is part of the problem. So, what to do?

Give sobriety a chance. Consider it an experiment. See how your life works without alcohol dulling it.

It might be itchy and uncomfortable. But it will also be bright and poignant and beautiful. You just need to keep your eyes and mind open.

There is no easy way through the first days and weeks. This is where focusing on today is helpful. When asking for help might be necessary. Even if it is scary. It is also a brave step of self compassion.

I know it’s hard to believe that a life without alcohol could be exciting, fun and happy. I can only tell you my experience…

Before I quit drinking I was constantly on edge, depressed and I felt very unnoticed and taken for granted. I didn’t feel like my family saw all I was doing for them. I believed I was trying so hard and no one recognized my effort. I was full of self pity.

Once I stopped using alcohol to drown these thoughts I quickly realized it was part of the problem. I stopped blaming everyone and everything for what was wrong in my life. I actually started to see the good.

And I realized I was worth the effort. I deserved to be clear headed. And that life really was too beautiful to bide away my time on the couch crying into my class of wine. There is SO MUCH MORE!

So stick with it. Give it some time. Write your story. Go to meeting. Whatever. You will find a world of support.

Stillness and peace,