Four years ago I was sad. My life seemed bleak. I was full of anxiety and very depressed.
I had a good job, a nice family, but inside I felt wrong. I never felt good enough. I never felt successful. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I hated myself.
I had tried to solve my deep distress. I embrace exercise and food rules and became obsessed with fitness and low carb diets and depriving myself. I felt good when doing this, but in a bleak, self destructive way. There was always something I didn’t do right. During this time I really believed if only I could be perfect, things would be ok…and that consequences and accountability would help me find that.
This helped for a few years, as my ability to control my body and my food intake helped my anxiety….but eventually it stopped helping.
Through it all I could see that drinking was part of the problem, but I never really considered I would have to quit. I just needed to get things under control. So I drank more water, has more days off between drinking, etc. But it was part of our social life and I refused to do much more.
As my anxiety got worse I looked for more solutions. I joined an online fitness program. And it turned out to be a self help program in disguise. All that year we were encouraged to ask ourselves what our “best life”would include. What things we did to support this.
And drinking always cropped up as something holding me back.
December 1,2013 I finally had enough. I decided I couldn’t used stupid rules or plans to stop drinking. I just had to not drink.
So, as an early birthday gift, I decided to give myself a year of sobriety.
I have really never looked back. It has been very, very hard sometimes…I have had episodes of depression, people close to us have died, shitty things happened. BUT it has also been the easiest decision I ever made. And make every single day.
Because once the hysteria ended and shadow alcohol had over me lessened, i felt free.
With that freedom I have chosen to take the path of self awareness. I have looked for and asked for help from many different venues. I try to be open minded enough to participate before judging. And I let go of what isn’t helping me.
I follow the yogic path, I embrace honesty and compassion, and I try to treat myself and others like the precious and divine creators we are.
I have become a person I am proud of.
The thoughts of drinking are minuscule now. They mostly appear when I am hungry and tired and am feeling insecure. I find telling other about them make them powerless. Secrets have never helped me.
If you think alcohol is preventing you from living a life of joy and contentment, quit. Get whatever help you need to make that happen, and find out who you really are. You will be amazed.
Thank you all for all the support you have shown me over the years! My plan is for there to be many more.
Stillness and peace