The other day my husband (also sober…we both are approaching our 3 year anniversary) commented we get so much more done on the weekends, and he no longer has to hold things together, now that I am not passed out on the couch all day Sunday…
Ouch.
After my initial ruffled feathers (after all, I had to do it all just as often when he was drinking) I relaxed and agreed.
If you had asked me in those days I would have defended my drinking to the ends of the earth. Everyone else drank…I has a highly paid preofessional job, I was fit, I exercised, our house was clean, I was a volunteer. I drank expensive wine…Yes, from the outside I looked ok.
But…was that true? I had started coming in to work late on Mondays…or calling in sick. The kids often survived on take out Pizza. I was fit, but I felt terrible and was forever covering bloodshot eyes and circles. I was unhappy and I hated myself. I felt weak and betrayed every time I drank more than I wanted to…which was most weekends.
No…I wasn’t fine. And my facade wasn’t nearly as good as I might have imagined.
The last year or so I drank I knew it was a problem. I could not stop once I started. I couldn’t keep to any of my moderation attempts. I even started missing workouts, or going so hungover I’m lucky I don’t injure myself.
I asked him why he didn’t say anything then. He laughed…knowing he was deep into his own problems…and told me I just would have gotten mad or upset.
And there’s the risk. Point out the denial, the problems, the slipping at regular life, and risk upsetting a person who is probably a bit irrational and compulsive. How might attach back.
When we ask our friends and families if we have a problem they often answer with what they think we want to hear. Or what they want to hear for themselves. Because I know I had many heavy drinking friends…and if I needed to quit, so might they!
Instead…get quiet and ask yourself. Ask yourself what you think…I know that little voice inside was begging for me to stop drinking…to stop my self destructive behaviour…to just give myself a break. I was so very tired.
I’m still shocked I listened. But as the booze cleared and my mind grew sharper, that voice celebrated. All those mean, self limiting, self depreciating, self loathing thoughts became a little cheering section. And as time has gone on it has grown into a deep love and faith in myself. I trust myself.
Forget what other people think…what do you think? Are you living today? Because there is a deep Well of freedom, joy and peace and more fun and possibility available in sobriety than I can even begin to describe.
Do it. For you.
Stillness and peace
Anne
ainsobriety 
Hi Anne!
This is such a powerful post.
It wasn’t until I came to the conclusion I had to stop that I could.
My friends either didn’t know how much I was drinking in secret, or they were drinkers and didn’t want me to quit.
My husband was the only one who tried to get me to moderate or quit, and of course, that didn’t work!
Only when I woke up to the damage I was doing to myself and my life, could I change.
I hope your back is better!!!!
Love,
Wendy
Hi Wendy!
My back is awesome. The osteopath has fixed me! Not just my back, but a hip that was stiff, my digestion..everything.
I can’t even begin to say how…but it’s amazing.
I know. Eventually we need to do it for ourself…
Anne
The truth may hurt, but it also helps. Congratulations!!
It does. Pretending nothing is wrong never works.
No, it never does.
Love this post and can totally relate on so many levels!
It’s also so awesome how honest you two are now – even if you get a little defensive initially. What a strong relationship.
Your second last paragraph gave me goosebumps about turning into your own cheerleader. Love it.
Xx
I always think if we hadn’t gotten sober we would be divorced. Neither of us was very fun…the fun drinking had run its course.
The self compassion has been shocking. I never really Ed believe a person could or needed to love themselves. Yikes. I was so wrong.
Thanks
Anne
Great post Anne!
Great post Anne 🙂 xx
Thank you for a great post. I can relate to this, I knew in my gut something was wrong with my drinking for years! My denial was just incredibly strong and kept me addicted for so long.
I read this quote today that really sums it up for me:
“Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”
Alcohol made my soul sick and tired. This might seem a bit exaggerated but its so true for me.
I love that quote!
This post could not have come to me at a better time. I needed this so much Back on Day One again and feeling tired, hung over, scared and sad but knowing there must be something better than this. You give me hope.
Hug.
Day one is a great place. But it is hard.
Be gentle with yourself. You have so much to gain…
Anne
Ouch indeed! My feelings are hurt for you. Yes the truth does hurt and I have to be mindful not to let myself jump to a response to justify it, sometimes you just have to take it on the chin. I am delighted you have had such a great result with the osteopath, it feels like this is adding to the sense of you fully coming into yourself. I can look on in envy as I am only a short way down my transformation but with the help of daily affirmations I am starting to move towards liking myself more.
Very inspiring to read.
My word of the year is faith…faith in myself.
I feel like it is really solidifying into something real now.
Some things do take time…but the journey is where the magic is.
After all, when you complete your life destiny, then what? I’m not ready for it to be over! Lol
Faith is a great word, I’m so happy for you. Having faith in yourself and really living the way you want to. Thanks for a great post!
This is just what I needed to read, thank you so much. I have asked a couple of people if they think I have a problem and they say no, but do they mean it? And does it even matter when I know I do have a problem.
I feel like the cracks are beginning to show for me. My communication with other people feels off, also I keep forgetting stuff and constantly have to write lists. I struggle to get up in the mornings.
I read something once that said “listen to your inner voice, especially when it’s nagging” well my inner voice has been nagging me for 3 years. I half heartedly listen, however now I’m all ears.
It a scary step, to quit drinking…
I heard the nagging for a long time too. And played a lot of mind games with myself.
If I knew then how much my life would improve- mentally, physically and spiritually- maybe I would have let go of the booze sooner.
Life really is awesome. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.
Give yourself a year. See what happens.
Anne
Thanks, yes I’m aiming for a year. I feel I need to do whatever I need to get that year.
I’m glad your life is so much better and you don’t feel you are missing anything, that gives me hope for myself too.
Thanks
This is so much my story I could have written it myself! I had a friend drop by my place once shortly after I got sober and he commented “wow, I’ve never seen it so clean in here!” I burst out laughing. His girlfriend smacked him☺️
Great read!
This really rings true, the facade being thin.
I ran a marathon on the tail end of a 2 day hangover. Looking back, I can’t believe it.
Very powerful and congrats to you and your husband both x
Problem drinkers are done if the toughest people.
A marathon!!! Just imagine how much easier it would have been hangover free!!!
Thank you!
Anne
Great post. So true. Denial is such a big part of drinking. I look forward to celebrating 3 years – congrats!!
This is so so so so so me. Always overcompensating to “throw” people off the trail that MAYBE i might be drinking too much/too often. And when the workouts start to suffer that’s when i really KNOW it’s time….. It’s a process for me. I started in the beginning of the year with AA and got to 60 days and then drank/thought i could moderate. went back in September got 32 days and drank. Still going to AA with 18 days thus far…..thank you for sharing!!!
Just keep trying. You will find what’s right for you.
Hug.
I needed to read this today. I keep thinking that I’ll be the one for whom stopping drinking won’t make a difference, but I’m still trying. Thank you
Anne, you really have such a heartfelt, wise perspective and I just want to thank you so much for sharing. I completely agree- seeing the problem truly has to click for you and you alone in order to break through. Thank you again. ❤
Anne, so true. It really does feel like we hold the truth inside of ourselves…. We just need to dig down through the ego and the justifications and the perfectionism to let it out. To let it be heard. As always, thank you, friend.* -HM.
Hi anne I am at day two and really scared. You seem like some of your justifications were mine too (like buying expensive wine somehow makes me not an alcoholic) gotta love that logic 🙂
Hug. Day two is exciting and hard.
Do whatever it takes to not drink. Eat something delicious. Go to bed. Cry.
Getting through the early days is tough…all those justifications as to why another day of drinking is something we deserve…
Soon you will see it’s nothing anyone deserves. It’s just so tiring and painful.
Anne
Hi Anne I am at day two and scared.
I have been thinking that because I buy expensive alcohol I can’t be an alcoholic – go figure! 🙂
sorry I though I had deleted this so re-posted! 🙂
Wow. Just wow.
That little voice is so hard to hear. Especially in the clamor of the modern word. Sensational piece.
Thank you.
That’s why we all need to cultivate stillness. It sounds simple, but it’s tough!
Anne, what you say here is so true! I was the same in my last year of drinking–lost says, red eyes, expensive wine and denial all around. I can’t express how glad I am that I listened to my own inner voice that said: “Please stop this.” The truth is hard to hear, but it’s the way home. Thanks for the great post! xo
I agree. I came to the same conclusion, thank goodness.
Love this, thank you! I am a little over 5 months sober. Some days are difficult but most days aren’t. I am so grateful for finding my inner strength to face my addiction!
Two weeks tomorrow and it helps so much reading everyone’s comments on here – it’s so lovely that you are so in touch with your readers as it makes the world of difference Anne. You are so encouraging. xx
Michelle
100 + and I am still in the angry stage. I never reached the pink cloud stage. I get mad when people drink around me, mad I can’t join in, mad at TV advertisements for alcohol, mad reading FB posts on drinking and just mad in general that I am not a moderate. It is hard to keep my resolve when I can’t say why I quit; I haven’t seen many benefits in mind or body because I still feel the same. No dramatic weight loss, no shiny glowing stuff, no changes in my skin or hair, no increase in energy, happiness, or mood. It makes me question my choice and my resolve.
The one thing that you touched on that resonates with me is that tiny voice. The one that whispers that something is off or wrong when you drink every single day for years, the one that is ashamed of being drunk and not able to stop drinking, the one that panics if there is no alcohol in the house in preparation of the every night drinking ritual no matter where you may be, that one that blacks out… That is the one thing that keeps me going – not hearing the shame voice.
Keep listening to the voice. Be angry…but start noticing one little thing a day that is better now.
Have you ever ready Pema Chodron? Her book when things fall apart helped me a lot. I didn’t want life to change…because I just couldn’t fathom living sober.
My fears were unfounded. But it took time to realize that.
100 plus days is awesome. You must feel much better physically!
Hugs. If you don’t blog, consider starting one. Your perspective would be a great addition to the sober sphere.
Anne