Here it is, January 6, 2015. A new year, a chance for change, a new you. If you are like me, many of you will have made resolutions to be healthier, fitter and happier.
Sometimes I would specify drink less, but I usually tried to cover it up with healthier and happier.
When I was drinking I truly believe I wanted to be happier. I read self help books. I got thinner, fitter, had abs, could do pull ups, colored my hair, bought fashionable clothes. I drove a nice car. I kept a nice house. My kids were presentable, involved in activities, smart. But inside I never felt good enough. I knew something was wrong with me, that I was weak and broken.
If you had told me I could find happiness by running a marathon I probably would have. If I had to climb Mount Everest, if that was the true secret to happiness, I would have found a way. I was just desperate to not feel the way I did. To stop the compulsive behaviour that led me to drink and that I couldn’t understand.
But there was no happiness guide. There was just a final understanding that I had to try to eliminate the wine even if it meant life would be boring and blank. I just couldn’t handle the overwhelming feelings of guilt and remorse any longer. And I was beginning to worry that I was impacting my health and my family.
Imagine my surprise when I quit drinking and found the happiness was there all along! The life that looked beautiful on the outside was beautiful on the inside too. I was not broken or weak. In fact, I was a strong, important person.
It still amazes me that something as benign seeming as wine could have been impacting me this much. That is REALLY WAS the source of my discontent. That happiness was available to me all along. That life without booze was fabulous. It is not always easy, but it is precious.
Someone sent me a link to a new years post on facebook titled “How to have an amazing life”. I deleted it. I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE.
And you do too.
Stillness and peace.