Old memories

Life with Milo has been interesting.

He is a doll. He loves me and follows me around and he makes me so happy.

He has also been sick. Like barfing followed by extreme lethargy sick. Being so tiny, at 2.5 pounds, this has been extremely stressful and scary. I am constantly worried I am doing something wrong and that he is going to die. He was a very very small runt at birth. All his brothers are over 5 pounds already. He was the outcast and this was what made me fall in love with him right from the start as the breeder posted photos and videos.

The first time this happened I freaked out. I almost couldn’t cope. I cried and sat with him and was so distressed. I told Cleo I wished we hadn’t gotten a puppy. I couldn’t function. it was so strange…like time stood still. At the vet they told me these little dogs are fragile and I felt judged for having a small puppy.

This isn’t really like me. I am usually much more solution oriented…but I was paralyzed. I felt completely inadequate and defeated.

I realized I was having some sort of flashback to when Cleo was a baby. She was very small and very ill for the first few years of her life. We were in and out of hospitals and to so many doctors. It was excruciating and it was when my drinking really amped up. The anxiety of having a tiny baby who seemed so ill was crippling.

Throughout her life medical issues have come and gone. At 16 she has had more tests and specialists than I could list. I thought I had made peace with this…but it was clear I still have a lot of trauma inside.

Recognizing this, with the help of some friends, helped. I realized why it was so stressful, and I relaxed and started asking for help with Milo. I changed how I was feeding him, more little meals. I stopped trying new things and simplified.

He is better. Still barfed yesterday, for no apparent reason, but he is growing and playing and I feel like we will be ok.

I try to remember the saying, this too shall pass. As I sit here petting Milo’s soft fur I am thankful that he came to live with me. he is helping me deal with something I didn’t even realize I still carried.

Stillness and peace


Milo is the one on the right…obviously, lol

15 thoughts on “Old memories

  1. Aww he makes me miss my baby so much, just adorable. You’ll be fine and have done exactly the right thing with small meals often. With the little Yorkie’s it’s important that you don’t let them over exercise without a bit of food as their glucose levels can drop to low and they become lethargic. I know it doesn’t sound right but they need you to look out for them but they are also a lot tougher than they look. You will have the most loyal, loving companion ever in him, they really bond with their pawrents. Give him a kiss and cuddle from me xox

    1. I cannot get him to eat regularly.
      He just doesn’t seem interested.
      His weight is staying fairly constant, and I give him nutrical.
      Otherwise he doesn’t even like treats!

  2. This is beautifully insightful. Huge hug to you for being Interestingly I had a similar conversation with another Mom dog owner we both felt having a puppy brought up feelings to when the babies were little. Love you.

  3. It makes so much sense that the current struggle with Milo’s health would bring up your past stress over your child. So glad you illuminated that and can start letting the go/melt/integrate. Sending you and your pup love and happiness 🙂

  4. Aww. Look at sweet little Milo. You obviously came into one another’s lives for a reason. He will be just fine, with your loving care. Xx

    1. The vet didn’t find anything specific wrong.
      His blood work was good.
      The move to smaller meals rather than free feeding seems to be successful.
      He even looked bigger today!

  5. He’s adorable and I’m so glad he has you. Your insight and self awareness is what will get you both through. I’d say he’s found the perfect person to watch over him. Sending love ❤️

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