What a difference a year makes. My story.

Writing out my story of the past year has helped me put the year into perspective. One never knows how things are going to turn out…

Still here and still sober. Perhaps I’m even blooming finally!

D day was 1 year ago. We were on our way to a weekend in Vegas. Dd turned on her iPad and yikes…all her dads texts, which included sexting with the ow.

She tells him, he tried to convince her not to tell me, it comes out he’s texting a girl from AA (13th stepping). We agree to not discuss until the trip ends. I am livid and devastated. This man has been my best friend for 25 years. We met at university, we work at the same company, we got sober together in 2013. We have a fun life full of travel, concerts and our kids finally are old enough to have fun with us.

The last day of the trip he confesses. He’s been sleeping with this girl for a few months. He doesn’t know why. He loves me and our family. I am his best friend. I tell him we are getting divorced and he moves out as soon as we get home. I immediately go to the bank and split all finance. I am the money manager in the family, and both of us have excellent incomes.

You all know the devastation. I try to comprehend how this person, who claims to love me, could betray me. I consider reconciling….the kids, who know everything (13 &15) demand I divorce him. They are angry and hurt,but they refuse to let me accept this disrespect.

Next it appears he’s texting a young girl, who is my friend, from work every day. I ask, she tells me to fuck off. I get a lawyer. He continues to ask me to give him time, goes to step meetings, therapy. He rarely sees the kids and they pretty much go no contact.

Next comes a stalker girl who shows up at our house. She knows all about us. I file for divorce. He agrees to give me everything, the house, savings, full custody, child support.

Ex decides to run 800 km away to an alternate work location. Doesn’t even tell the kids…and it turns out he moved in with a coworker (his bosses secretary) who, it also turns out, is pregnant. This is about 8 months post d day. I finally have had enough and take a mental health leave from work. Best decision ever. I took time to deeply grieve and in doing so I regained my balance and self esteem.

Today, exactly one year later, we are divorced. Clear eyes show me he was always a selfish asshole, but I was a very good buffer between him and the world. The kids are flourishing. My codependency was deep. I grew up with a narcisstic parent and I had never realized just how much I believed my job was to make sur everyone else was ok…

I am truly settled and happy on my own now. Being financially secure and him conceding everything without a fight has been vital. I love living alone with my kids.

I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. It almost took me down a few times this year…my pain and the pain I feel for my kids has been sharp and deep and overwhelming, but I got through it with support from friends,online, through my blog and by asking for help over and over again.

Some days I am at meh, but I expect it won’t be a full time thing until my kids are grown up as ex’s behaviour still hurts them. They are generally still no contact. They haven’t seen him since he moved in June. And on those days I wish him grave harm.

Chumplady has been the source of my strength and resolve. Knowing others have gone through this horror and have advice on how to manage and proceed has been vital. I thank you all for sharing every single day.

Stillness and peace

25 thoughts on “What a difference a year makes. My story.

  1. This is outstanding, Anne. One year is a very short period to have made so much progress. And I can see why. Your strength. Your children’s support. His reprehensible behaviour. Go you. Go Chump Lady. May it always be Tuesday! 💋

    1. Lol
      Chumplady has been such a source of reality. I might have believed in unicorns before. I do believe is flawed people making mistakes.

      That said, I also feel like part of me is relieved this happened. I saw that craig just didn’t respect me…even small things, like getting us to work on time, he couldn’t do for me.
      I knew I was letting too much slide by.

      I hate to think I must do everything alone forever. Maybe there is a BG in my future…

      Until then I’m not downplaying myself anymore.

  2. I have watched from afar and I have hurt with you but I have also felt a sense of inner pride as I watched you hit the floor but then pick yourself back up and dust of the shit and decide onwards and upwards. So freakin proud of you and and hoping that you are proud of yourself as well. xox

  3. You are an incredible example of sobriety, resilience and endurance, Anne. I also agree with horsesrcumin- life can be just fine on your own. But who knows what will happen? Just keep taking care of you and let the mystery unfold. Thanks for sharing your courage.💜

  4. I’ve been following you from afar. I’m so happy after all the excruciating pain and heartbreak you and your children have emerged to the other side. A sober dignified woman making a good life for herself and children. Well done…wishing you all the future contentment with some joy thrown in…..

  5. You are strong and will come out stronger. I thank God every day that my son and I lived a peaceful life without my psychopath ex-husband.He’s someone else’s problem now. It wasn’t easy, ( he never paid child support) but we have emerged happy and healthy.

    The best to you.

  6. Big hug. Hope you got my email a few weeks back. You are much stronger than I was and you made your decisions a lot sooner than I ever did. Good on you! The pain when watching your children hurt is the worst. SO sorry you have to watch that and for what they are going through. It just stinks to see innocence snatched away from them. I admire your strength.

  7. My god. What a whirlwind. At the height of my drinking, I nearly destroyed my place in my immediate family…but somehow, I knew to get help, and my wife stood strong through all the insanity. I can’t fully understand what she went through or how she did it. I’m just grateful I have a second chance. So far, I haven’t blown it.

    I’m glad things are somewhat settling down for you. Keep us updated.

  8. This is amazing. Thank you for sharing such intimate and excruciating details. You are wonderful and thriving.

  9. I am so sorry for what you had to go through, but glad to hear it is looking better on the other side. Thank you for sharing your story – there are so many of us who go through things like this, many times it’s made worse by looking at others and thinking well their marriage seems perfect. You should be proud of yourself, it is just the worst feeling to be betrayed like that, and to have him be shit to your kids on top of it. Just starting in my sobriety, came over from another blog you commented on =)

  10. Wow, I’ve just been reading through your blog and I had no idea. You’ve made amazing progress. You’re such a strong woman, your children are lucky to have such a caring, understanding mum. That’s how my husband found out about his ex wife, I believe it’s one of the worst things to do to someone.
    I know the worst is probably over, but if you ever need to talk to someone I’m always here.
    Also my father chose his new woman over me, I was 13 at the time, so I appreciate how your kids may feel. If it’s any consolation, it gets easier and I had a really good therapist. He reached out just before he died and I still feel ok that I didnt reconcile with him. Big hugs x

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