Tears for the end

The judge signed my divorce. It is over. 25 years.

I’m very sad and have cried many tears since I got the email on Friday. I knew it was coming…and it fills me with a crazy mix of relief, anger, resentment and resignation…

I look back at our wedding picture and I know I didn’t expect things to end this way. Of course, I also didn’t foresee any of our other struggles. I didn’t expect I would ever be sober. Be a mom. Be a yoga teacher. And I expect today there are many more things ahead of me that I haven’t even thought of!

I returned to work oct 9 and have been enjoying it. I feel settled in my skin. I am enjoying my independence and I have no interest in dating. I like having my time to myself and the kids and I are enjoying life. Things are very good.

I think I need to grieve for these few days. If I don’t let these tears out they will weigh me down. I’m not scared of them. They feel well earned, not self destructive. I’m always worried to be sad…depression seems much too possible…but not right now, if that makes any sense.

I don’t regret marrying Craig. I had some great times and the two kids are worth any painful ending. I wish he could see that he has abandoned his kids when he moved away, and just how shitty and unfair to them that is for them. I wish he could fix that. But I know he can’t…or won’t…so I will make sure I love them enough for two parents.

This is what life is about right now!

Thank you all for your unending love and support. This year has been the most absolutely shocking, painful and unexpected. I have found new friends in the most unexpected places.

No matter how hard this drama has been, I am absolutely sure that staying sober has been the best choice I could have ever made. It is choosing me. It is choosing love. And it is choosing life. I don’t doubt that one bit.

Stillness and peace


28 thoughts on “Tears for the end

  1. I’m sorry. I think you’re doing the right thing in crying and getting it all out. There’s no shame in crying and mourning.

    I was actually pretty happy when my divorce was finally signed but then again it took over two years and he was engaged, sharing a bank account, and living with her already.

    Hang on tight to the hope that there are better days ahead.

    1. I am happy. I am relieved it’s done.
      The divorce has been simple at least. And it didn’t hurt me financially, which is huge.

      He had bought a house with the pregnant gf. They move in in a couple weeks. I bet they are married before then end of 2019.

      He’s an idiot. Lol so is she.

  2. Grieve like hell. Don’t fight it. From the ashes the Phoenix within will rise higher and stronger. Be kind to yourself and KNOW YOU AREA A BEAUTIFUL SOUL❤️. Sending hugs🤗

  3. You’re amazing, Anne. Don’t ever forget it. Or let anyone dim your light. Tears at this point are both earned, and cleansing. Go you. Forge on, as you do so well xxx

  4. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this, but you sound very much in control of everything, including your feelings, which I find quite inspiring.

    I have just left my husband after being almost 33 years together and in spite of going through a range of emotions (guilt and relief) I feel so content to be alone. There is nobody else involved, nor will there be as far as I’m concerned, but I only wish I’d left sooner. My kids suffered for years due to a mostly absent father and a mentally ill mother. They are still suffering although they’re adults and I’ve tried hard (and succeeded, they tell me) to redress the balance, but my ex hasn’t, so it’s caused great pain for them. We’ve remained friends though, which I’m glad about. I assume by the photos that your kids are also older. My lot will need my support for a long time yet and it’s hard at times. I wish I could make any and all the pain stop. It made me smile as I was reading your words though. You sound like a great mum, Anne!! Have you heard Strongest by Ina Wroldson? https://youtu.be/X_5Qz63QKAki. Not exactly the same, but it reminded me. So sorry for the essay on your comments but this totally struck a chord with me. ❤

      1. Haha I’m glad you love long comments because I do love getting them too x. I’m actually glad that I’m out of it, despite all the cans of worms that have been opened. It’s absolutely shit, but completely necessary to go through so that you can get out the other side. I know this and slowly my lot are realising it too. I have huge amounts of faith in the future. Hope the same for you and anyone else who’s dealing with…well, anything they’d rather not deal with.

  5. Anne,
    This only makes sense, that you would feel sadness now.
    I think we have to grieve and yet carry on, all at the same time.
    I’m so thankful you have been able to be there for your children.
    I just love you.

  6. Sending you love love love love love. I’m sorry you’ve gone through such pain. Happy how you’re there for yourself and for your kids. Thank you for sharing your journey here. Carry on…. the damn papers are signed and you have a clearer path before you.

  7. Sending you so much love – you are such a strong lady, and yes, give yourself time to grieve – as you hit on, just because things end (even badly and suddenly) doesn’t mean we should wish they never happened – there were good times, and your kids… ❤

  8. Love and hugs. 25 years is a long time. It makes sense to have lots of emotions. Cry. Let the pain out. Let the relief out. Sing and dance. Play whack a mole. Do whatever you want. This is a safe place. Some people have divorce parties. Don’t understand that. Take time to grieve. This time is your time.

  9. Be very very proud of yourself for staying sober and being so graceful. Definitely take the time to grieve, be angry, talk. Don’t be surprised when you take joy in being single and not having to feed someone else’s ego. Sending so much love to you darling Xxxx

  10. Your strength never ceases to amaze. Stay beautiful. I remind myself that my kids will find their way. In the spirit of my recovery, I do my best to model excellence in all my interactions (until I can’t, of course, and then I remember that I am strong and get back to being such). Sending Love.

  11. It is only natural to grieve the end of something, I feel it so often at this time of year, it is sad when things end and acknowledging that, and crying tears for it is a healthy thing to do. You are strong, you have held on to your sobriety at a time that many people would have given up, and your kids are lucky to have you as their mum. Sending hugs ❤️

  12. I read this the other day and didn’t “like” it because really we need more options like crying, hugging etc. But what I will say is that from everything I have read you are an incredible person and an amazing Mum. I lived with parents who really don’t love each other as husband and wife should, I would describe it more as a brother / sister type relationship. One will say it’s white and the other one would say it’s cream just because they can’t agree. They were going to separate when we were young but didn’t and I know now it was because they didn’t want to hurt us kids. Hate to say it but it was actually more painful to watch them living like this when they could of both gone there own ways and possibly found a new partner each that they would love and be loved by. As an adult I can see that quite clearly now. Don’t even know if that helps you or not but I hope so. xox

  13. No, it’s definitely not how you expect things to end when you say “I do.” I’m sorry that this has been your story – but am also moved by your positive attitude and your strength of spirit. I hope the years to come are good, and bring you way more joy than you could imagine now.

  14. Are you kids in therapy? How do you all sit and talk about everything that has happened? They are teenagers so they know the truth but do they tell you how they feel. I follow your blog because it helps me a lot. My husband of 16 years (together 20) just moved out. We are moving through our divorce but I cannot tell my twins the truth. They are only 11. The fake smiles are so hard and between work and home there is not much time for crying. I want them to love their dad because I know that’s good for them but he’s is just so awful. How do you make it all make sense?

    1. My kids are in therapy, mostly the younger one.
      Both are angry. My 16 yo says he doesn’t miss his dad much as they didn’t do a lot together and I know he’s trying to protect me some.

      My 14 yo wishes he was dead. Her anger and hurt run very deep.i honestly don’t think she will ever forgive him.

      At 11 I would definitely tell them the truth, I think reason. Kids know so much. And adults love to talk. So if there is anything they might find out unexpectedly, the truth from a safe source is better.

      I sometimes think the kids are stronger than me. They seem to accept their dad is a weak person and that they are secure and cared for with me. I am very honest when I am upset and I think it has helped.

      It all sucks and is hard. I hope your ex makes a divorce easy. I have friends whose husbands fought against paying every penny. It’s unacceptable.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s