Shinedown and smiling

I returned to work last week. I was off for 2 months. 2 months that took me from despair to ok. Over the past couple of weeks I finally felt like me again.

When I was trapped in anxiety my thoughts were all in the front part of my brain. They were fizzy and frazzles and I couldn’t think very far ahead. It’s hard. I felt dull and slow. This is how I felt in August, when I realized I was not coping well. Things didn’t make sense. Life didn’t make sense.

Now, my thoughts are in the back of my head. They are clear and connected and I can see them. I can plan ahead and envision how things will unfold. I can understand what I want and I see my emotions for what they are. I feel sharp and intelligent. I can handle unexpected problems.

It’s amazing how this shifted. In the frazzled state I did worry I might be like that forever. It was hard and scary. That’s part of the problem. No matter how prepared I am for a low, I still get trapped there…Hope becomes very small.

But I am out of that pit. I am back feeling productive. And so I returned to my life and I returned to work. I missed it. iWork with some amazing people.

I am being gentle with myself, but I am also re engaging with my responsibilities. It’s time. Although a part of me would like to hide at home forever, I do know that avoidance is not a viable solution

The past couple of months have been a true period of grieving. I have cried many tears. I have questioned my life and wondered what I did to deserve the crazy events of the past 10 months. I licked my wounds. I repeated the word acceptance a million times.

A few weeks ago I went to a lovely heart centred yogic healing evening. During the class we focused on the energy around our heart. At one point I was filled with the sensation that my heart was whole again and that it belonged to me…as it always had. I had just forgotten….I had finally found a bit of the acceptance that I had been looking for .

Since that night I have felt optimistic about the future. I get to do things my way! There’s no one around to tell me what to do! It’s up to me!

I’m not sure why this is so exciting…but it is.

So, act one of “Anne’s rediscovered life” was to go to a concert to see if I still liked them…I drove the 5 hours and went to the venue and I was overjoyed. The music filled and inspired me. The song lyrics made sense. I was truly happy. And, although I went to the concert alone, I didn’t feel lonely once. I plan to do it again soon!

Shinedown and Papa Roach. I have seen both before. I look forward to seeing them again.

Thank you all for your continued love and support! It’s keeping me moving forward!

Stillness and peace,

Anne

15 thoughts on “Shinedown and smiling

  1. You describe the feelings so perfectly… I’ve been going through some kind of nervous breakdown issues lately, so can relate at some level. Very confusing and disorienting and scary. Exactly as you say, regarding despair, and hope growing very small…

    Wonderful when the intense anxiety finally dissipates and one can breathe again, and the thoughts move from the front to the back, as you describe.

    Love that you went to the concert alone and loved it. Happy you are beginning to feel your freedom and enjoy it.

    Lots of love to you, Anne
    xoxo Nadine

  2. So glad you’re starting to feel like your old self again. I’ve been rooting for you!
    🌻 Sunflower-still out here and at Day 1202

  3. I’m so pleased you have climbed up out of the pit of despair you will be stronger because of it❤️

    Do things which bring you joy no matter how small or Big, these nurture us.

    I’m a carer for my mum with dementia and need to work my program harder around self care.

    Wishing you much Joy ahead.
    Tracy x

  4. I am pleased to read this but sorry you have bee through such a hard time of it. I am delighted to hear you took the time necessary to focus on you and allow the healing to slowly work its way through you. Years ago I had a similar time when I had to allow myself to completely fall apart so I could put everything back in the new better way. We sometimes hold on so tightly to the idea we must be strong and carry on and we can overcome this etc when in fact we need to let go and let all the pieces fall on the floor. Then we can decide what we pick up and take forward in the next part of our journey.
    So pleased to read such an inspiring post. rock on Anne, solo or not.

  5. You sound amazing, Anne. Well done. Yes, when I’m in that dark hole, it feels like I’ll never see light again. Just crawling out of the dark myself. Good to read you. ❤

  6. If it’s not too personal could you share some of the things that helped alleviate your anxiety? Both of my kids are dealing with this now.

    My daughter called me yesterday crying, just wanting to talk to someone because her anxiety is getting out of control, even with medication. She says she worries about everything, even the things she knows she can’t control. I suggested she make an appointment with the university’s counseling center but aside from that I have no idea how to help her.

    1. Yoga has helped me immensely. Like life changing.
      Gababutylic acid(you can buy it at the grocery store), for days I am really anxious. I take 300 mg magnesium citrate every night.

      I don’t drink. This is huge.

      I have tried cbd oil, as has my daughter. I would say it helped, but not as much as medication.

      Those are all good places to start.

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