I returned to work last week. I was off for 2 months. 2 months that took me from despair to ok. Over the past couple of weeks I finally felt like me again.
When I was trapped in anxiety my thoughts were all in the front part of my brain. They were fizzy and frazzles and I couldn’t think very far ahead. It’s hard. I felt dull and slow. This is how I felt in August, when I realized I was not coping well. Things didn’t make sense. Life didn’t make sense.
Now, my thoughts are in the back of my head. They are clear and connected and I can see them. I can plan ahead and envision how things will unfold. I can understand what I want and I see my emotions for what they are. I feel sharp and intelligent. I can handle unexpected problems.
It’s amazing how this shifted. In the frazzled state I did worry I might be like that forever. It was hard and scary. That’s part of the problem. No matter how prepared I am for a low, I still get trapped there…Hope becomes very small.
But I am out of that pit. I am back feeling productive. And so I returned to my life and I returned to work. I missed it. iWork with some amazing people.
I am being gentle with myself, but I am also re engaging with my responsibilities. It’s time. Although a part of me would like to hide at home forever, I do know that avoidance is not a viable solution
The past couple of months have been a true period of grieving. I have cried many tears. I have questioned my life and wondered what I did to deserve the crazy events of the past 10 months. I licked my wounds. I repeated the word acceptance a million times.
A few weeks ago I went to a lovely heart centred yogic healing evening. During the class we focused on the energy around our heart. At one point I was filled with the sensation that my heart was whole again and that it belonged to me…as it always had. I had just forgotten….I had finally found a bit of the acceptance that I had been looking for .
Since that night I have felt optimistic about the future. I get to do things my way! There’s no one around to tell me what to do! It’s up to me!
I’m not sure why this is so exciting…but it is.
So, act one of “Anne’s rediscovered life” was to go to a concert to see if I still liked them…I drove the 5 hours and went to the venue and I was overjoyed. The music filled and inspired me. The song lyrics made sense. I was truly happy. And, although I went to the concert alone, I didn’t feel lonely once. I plan to do it again soon!
Shinedown and Papa Roach. I have seen both before. I look forward to seeing them again.
Thank you all for your continued love and support! It’s keeping me moving forward!
Stillness and peace,