The low has turned into full on depression. Everything is heavy and dark.
I remember thinking I was going to be ok, that I was financially stable and that being in charge of my life was liberating. I was free to be me,whoever that is.
I remember going to work not too long ago and feeling happy, noticing the sun on my face and the green summer tress.
Right now I feel neither of those things. I feel empty. And oh so very sad.
I’m sad that things have changed and that craig didn’t love me. I’m sad that he has a new life and he doesn’t even miss me. After all these years…I’m sad that I now am both mother and father to our kids as he has moved on.
I’m just so tired.
Objectively I know this is grief and emotional burn out. My road trip turned out to be really hard. I must remember not to go visit complicated family when I am tired. It is not a break. And along the way I have reached out for help to a few people who hurt or criticized me in response. It has shaken me.
I went to my doctor last week. I had serious thoughts of going to the mental health clinic and committing myself. I’m afraid of myself…depression is sneaky. But Cleo and cooper need me. I KNOW this is temporary. I just keep forgetting.
My dr has taken me off work for a bit and I am going to only do supportive things. I have logged out of Facebook. I increased my antidepressant. I went to acupuncture and will go again this week.
And I guess I will also cry and try to let some of the sadness that has bubbled up out.
I am not drinking. Even in this scary dark place I know it would only add to the weight I feel. I know all these years of self discovery and change will help me find my way back to ok. Part if me even thinks that it will be better.
So if you are a meditator or a prayer please send me a bit of light. I really need it.
Stillness and peace
Anne
ainsobriety 
I know the sneakiness and deception of depression well. ❤️ Words seem inefficient and hallow as I type this, but know you aren’t alone – depression is a damn good liar. Hang on to your sobriety, your kids, the antidepressants any and everything until you don’t have to. Prayers and peace.
Thanks for sharing this Anne… what you’ve gone through is crazy hard and you’ve been dealing like a champ. Happy you are taking some rest and maybe a chance to cry. Definitely helps to cry.
I will definitely meditate and pray for you tonight. That’s actually really helpful of you to ask it. Thanks for that as well.
Love and hug.
xo Nadine
I love to read your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I hope this isn’t the dumbest or rudest question. It is not at all meant to be and I have been told that at times I am somewhat of an “over-stepper” but, do you ever think of dating? Or have been on any dates?
Lol
No dating. No dates.
Some days I wish I could get drunk and pick up a guy at the bar. Lol
But right now even the thought of dating makes me anxious.
Before my marriage I was in a relationship with someone who cheated chronically. I didn’t find out he’d cheated on me till after I broke up with him and even then it was devastating. His friends told me afterward, relieved that I had broken with him. He confirmed it when I confronted him. My whole world vision was ruined beyond belief. I remember having had these gut feelings while we were still together and even having asked very specific and direct questions, yet he’d lied to my face, looking me directly in the eyes. Afterwards that feeling of not being able to trust people was devastating. Though I moved on, I think it took me about three years to stop feeling bitter towards him. The bitterness ended after I realized that I was not actually angry at him, I was angry at myself for not having trusted my own gut instincts. He was just himself and had this deep problem. And I was myself and I had been an enabler of his deep problem, due to my own deep problems of not trusting my own inner voice above any other voice.
Sending you love, light and hugs.
Anne, I am a long time fan of yours and hate that you are going through this. You do not deserve it. Craig is such an ass. I am sending you prayers and healing thoughts. You are strong and you will get through this. And yes, things will be better. Better than before. Do what you need to do to
Take care of yourself. Sleep, cry, take antidepressants, don’t drink, just do what you know you need. Hang in there. It will get better. ❤️
Anne, I discovered your blog through someone else. I know this is hard. You will be in my prayers. You have been such a help in my new sobriety (34) days today. I know you are strong. Sending prayers, good vibes and positive thoughts your way.
Thank you
34 days is a great start. Hold on to those precious days. Sobriety truly does make everything manageable.
I am sending you lots of love and virtual hugs
Thank you for writing, Anne. I’m sorry the family stuff was complicated and hurtful. Hang in there…. this weather will pass. Relax and take care of you, you will find new ways to listen to yourself. What’s your favorite form of cardio? Sending much love! Adrian
I’m solely a yogi. I have not even been doing that.
I have a plan to get there tomorrow.
Small step forward.
Oh psst when you read this can you please trash this comment? My paranoid side has come out that someone from my past will search my email address and stumble across FG 🙂
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know how painful depression can be. It won’t last for ever. I’m thinking of you.
Hugs, Anne. It’s so weird how this happens. I also thought I would be fine. Strong. Happier. It’s processing that they just didn’t care. That we loved selfish men who just turn the page, never mourn for a second.
So proud of you. You are doing everything you can to stay sober and safe. It comes in debilitating waves, but I promise this one will recede. Just can’t tell you when. Keep up the self care xxx.
Exactly. I saw him yesterday and he was like, well, sorry this happened. Moving on to my new life. Hope you move on with yours.
How thoughtful! 👎👎👎😞
I am certainly doing my very best, Anne, thanks x
That’s what he said to me. Not what I think!
Yeah, I did get that, just we are trying, you assholes who cheat. So easy, right?
Dear Anne,
I was also beyond sad and depressed after the end of my marriage. Meditate, go out in nature, take your meds, see a counselor, see joy in your children.
It will get better.
Craig will have his comeuppance one day.
gabi
I’m keeping you in my prayers. I too am dealing with the darkness in a roller coaster type fashion. I’m not on an antidepressant but I’ve definitely thought about it more than once. You’re a great Mom and I’m glad you sought help and I wish you the best of luck as this chapter in your life continues to move forward.
Sending you a huge hug and as much positive energy as possible. Anne what you are going through is such a hard and painful thing. You are down now and I know when you are ready you will rise again and shine. You are a beautiful person and that idiot just lost one of the most precious things he could of (thinking of the kids here) he is a fool. XOX
Hey Anne (It’s MAG)
Sending you so much love, thoughts, prayers and strength. You will get through this, and I totally believe this is burn out. You have, and are doing all the right things – which shows how strong you are, and how much you ARE looking after yourself, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. I hope this time off helps, takes some pressure off trying to be positive and constantly putting one foot forward and having to ‘be strong.’
Try to cry, if you haven’t been crying much I am sure this is all piled up underneath – desperate to come out.. write here, we are all here for you, and I’m sorry to hear your attempts to reach out were met with shitty responses. That hurts like hell.
Lots of Love xx
Hi Anne – holding you close to my heart and sending loving vibes. Take your time, move slow, be extra kind to yourself, and when you’re ready RISE! And yes you will RISE Higher then ever before. Beautiful souls always do❤️
Sending you the biggest hug I can, Anne!
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
Just know, you are such a beautiful soul that who has touched many people!
With Peace,
Wendy
Thank you Wendy.
It gives me some relief to write these words and acknowledge my own pain.
I wish I could avoid it, but, alas, life has its own plans for me!
I am taking extra care.
Thank you for the hug.
Sending a massive hug, and when I sit with nature this week I will think of you & send some peacefulness your way. I used to sit with nature, during the war, and just let it all wash over me. It didn’t drown me, neither did my tears, it just let it out like a release and enabled me to get up and through another day. Thinking if you, one hour at a time. ❤️❤️ Rosie
Hi Anne
Stick close to your program share with fellowship friends; you are not alone.
We are taught this to will pass but in difficult & challenging times the Rd seems long. Immerse yourself in loving activities that bring you Joy they don’t have to be big, little gestures of self love.
You are strong; you are loved by the universe, you matter❤️
Sending you love & healing prayers.
Tracy x
Sent from my iPhone
I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so, friend. I’m sending you all of the stillness and peace and light that you’ve shared with so many of us through the years. You deserve to be happy. thank you for again showing us that we can do hard things sober and that drinking would only be pouring gasoline on the flame. Sending you love, Anne.
Anne I’m a long-time follower of yours and was just this week thinking of you. Glad doc has signed you off work, you need this time. I struggle to cry and can highly recommend a sad movie to get you started. Behind the tears lay a softer, gentler, more connected, You. This is my experience anyway. You are in my prayers and thoughts often. Rose Xxx
Hi Anne, I don’t know what to say here. You have always offered me the best advice. The only thing I can say is nothing is permanent. It may not feel like it now, but this shitty time WILL end. It won’t last, you will feel good again. You will get past your marriage break up, it will take time, but you will. In the mean time we are all here for you, as you have been here for us. Thinking of you xx
Sending lots of love and light your way 💜
I am sorry you are going through a dark time Anne. It’s really scary but at least a part of you knows that this too shall pass. It is grief, and just allow it to be there. It won’t swallow you whole even if it feels like it at the time. You are an amazing person and you will get through this I promise. I’m sending you lots of love and prayers. 💕❤️💕❤️
I wish we could just roll you up like a burrito in a blanket and take care of the things for you.
So sorry you’re feeling so down Anne. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, you will get through this. I don’t know if upping the dose of your anti depressants is the answer and it will only numb it all out and be fake okay, clearly you have some things to deal with and work through and weaning off antidepressants is a real bitch especially when at a high dose. However, DO whatever it is you need to do I guess to get through this dark time. Hugs xx
I have had that thought too. I have not actually changed my meds.
I am at a low dose and I think it’s actually sufficient. I am safe and I have support.
I am trying to just be sad. To actually just let all the painful stuff out. Not having to go to work and be “on”.
I do think it has to happen, even though I don’t like it.
The hard side is I cycle up and down. One hour I think I over reacting, the next I may be curled up in a ball crying.
Sounds totally normal. Grief comes in waves… sounds like you are in the washing machine type.
I was on antidepressants for 3 years ago for some crazy wild depression and work stress and they kept upping it, and it got so high it made me feel so weird and out of it. I immediately went back to the dose I was at after that. That drug is crazy (Effexor) is what I was on. But it’s not a perm solution, it’s supposed to be temporary and in the end when you finally get off the the stuff, it should have taught you how to deal with those emotions that it was numbing out, on your own. Which for me it has. When I get down and blue, I remind myself of how easily things rolled off me when I was on it and how life is what we make it of it and are these things really that bad? Sure life sucks and things are bad, but being depressed and sad isn’t going to make them any less bad, ya know?? So it’s helped me flip that switch after feeling mad or sad or depressed for a bit (bc feeling those feelings is okay and healthy), it’s just learning to move past it and not dwell in it bc it’s so easy to dwell and want to stay depressed. Then you become a really angry horrible toxic person and that’s no good for anyone. Not sure if any of that helps you, but it’s what I’ve learned for myself and use daily when life throws me crap. Either I can let it make me feel like crap and rule my day or I can just move on and let it suck but not ruin my life or day.
I still to this day, get brain zaps from being on that shit, and it’s been YEARS since I weaned off. Crazy.
Be sad, cry, let it out , breath, let it go… you’ve got this💜👊🏼
I have admired you for a long time. I know we don’t chat too much on here, but your encouragement to me has always been well received. So, to say a prayer for you? Absofrigginlutely! Keep fighting – everything is temporary.
Thank you! I’m always cheering you on. You often make me think.
Hopefully they are good thoughts. 😉
A, Sending big hugs and radiant light. You are stronger than you remember. And you will remember this precisely on time. “It’s a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering.” Stephen Colbert. In the meanwhile, know how much you are loved.
Sometimes I can actually step back an be the witness to my own sadness.
I think this itself is a gift. I’m just not sure how yet.
It’s funny, all these years and it’s still about letting go of the need to control how things turn out…
The gift of observing my sadness… Beautiful in ways I am can barely, even if momentarily, comprehend.
Thinking of you. Being sad will not last forever but take the time you need to grieve. It’s ok to take a step back to move forward.
I am sending love and light your way, and will continue to hold you – and your kids – in my heart.
You are not alone, Anne.
Dear Anne, you asked for light and prayers so wanted you to know I have been thinking of you often over the last months, and sending up good thoughts and wishes for you at this difficult time.
In case it is useful I also wondered if you have come across the transition theory graph of how we react to big changes in our lives? I blogged about it when I was about 8 months sober because I found it helpful then. If you google ‘ eoslifework transition theory ‘ then that’s the article I found really helpful when it seemed as if I was bumping along the bottom. If not helpful please ignore! Much love, Prim xxx
Oh dear friend I’m sorry he has stolen your happiness from you and your future together. I’m praying for you. You will come out stronger and on top. Please reach out if you need to talk or help at all. 7807157478. Kris
So sorry to hear your not feeling great . You are amazing not drinking feeling like this . It will pass sweetie I promise . I guess you know that having been through it before . One day at a time . One day and stay close xxxx
Anne
You are always such a wonderful support to everyone, now is your time to be supported! You need to grieve, my sister who was also divorced went through the exact same thing you are going through and went on stress leave and grieved her marriage ending. She is doing so well now and so will you! Just a quick piece of advice, going on vacation that involves family and is not a resort, is painful! I was up at my in-law’s cottage on a beautiful lake and wondering why I was so unhappy, this place is so amazing, except it wasn’t. They were all there and it was so much work with kids and them. I went on-line and found a 5 day trip to Miami that was on sale, no cooking no drama, just fun and relaxation! We left 48 hrs later and that helped so much. Get a change of sceanary and find some fun! You deserve it!
Hi aine — somehow I don’t see the date on this post in this app, but if it’s fresh, please know I’m holding you in my heart… there will be another page to turn, even though it doesn’t feel like that now. And if this post is older, I hold past you in my heart. Thanks for being a presence in my online world.
Thank you. It is fresh and I am still in it.
I appreciate the support.
Is there anything I could do to be helpful?
I’m truly enjoying your trip! I will dome day embrace travel alone. Following your brave adventures is uplifting.
I’m glad 😉 sending you a big hug
Sending love and light xo
I’m so glad you’ve committed to keep going, and are putting one step in front of the other, regardless of the nightmare you are living through. Your courage is inspiring.
Hi there. I’m blogging under a different name now (but it’s still Robert from the now-defunct recovery102) but you had some very kind words for me after we suffered a house fire. I know that dark, depressing place, and you WILL get through it. But damn, it’s hard. Sending you good vibes, support, and a virtual hug. : )
I’m so sorry you are dealing with so much pain. I really feel for you. Keep taking care of yourself. It’s really important – and you deserve it. I had no idea betrayal would be so traumatizing. Thank you for sharing your story ….
🙏