The low has turned into full on depression. Everything is heavy and dark.
I remember thinking I was going to be ok, that I was financially stable and that being in charge of my life was liberating. I was free to be me,whoever that is.
I remember going to work not too long ago and feeling happy, noticing the sun on my face and the green summer tress.
Right now I feel neither of those things. I feel empty. And oh so very sad.
I’m sad that things have changed and that craig didn’t love me. I’m sad that he has a new life and he doesn’t even miss me. After all these years…I’m sad that I now am both mother and father to our kids as he has moved on.
I’m just so tired.
Objectively I know this is grief and emotional burn out. My road trip turned out to be really hard. I must remember not to go visit complicated family when I am tired. It is not a break. And along the way I have reached out for help to a few people who hurt or criticized me in response. It has shaken me.
I went to my doctor last week. I had serious thoughts of going to the mental health clinic and committing myself. I’m afraid of myself…depression is sneaky. But Cleo and cooper need me. I KNOW this is temporary. I just keep forgetting.
My dr has taken me off work for a bit and I am going to only do supportive things. I have logged out of Facebook. I increased my antidepressant. I went to acupuncture and will go again this week.
And I guess I will also cry and try to let some of the sadness that has bubbled up out.
I am not drinking. Even in this scary dark place I know it would only add to the weight I feel. I know all these years of self discovery and change will help me find my way back to ok. Part if me even thinks that it will be better.
So if you are a meditator or a prayer please send me a bit of light. I really need it.
Stillness and peace