A low period…

Hi There! I am still here. Still sober. Even if there have been days where I wish I could turn off the world, and there have been many, I have not.

Craig has moved away. Last Friday I signed all the divorce paperwork and it will be filed soon and then it’s just to wait for the judge to approve. I keep the kids, the house, everything. He runs away to live with his latest girlfriend. 800 km away.

Since then I have sunk deeper into a bit of a depression. I am just so tired. My brain can’t quite keep up with reality. Some days I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I know this feeling well and I am being extra careful with myself.

On the plus side I love being single. I love sleeping alone, taking care of the house. I enjoy my new car. The kids are awesome and spends lots of time with me and we are closer than we have ever been. Most days are quite content. I am figuring out who I am. I never lived alone before and it’s interesting!

My neighbour fixed my lawnmower. I fixed a bike tire. I’m capable. I have an excellent job and am financially independent. Craig pays child support and I am ensuring the kids have the same standard of living they always had.

But it’s all confusing. One day I know this is just craig and his continuing seeking for something to settle himself. It’s not about me. The next I wonder what I did wrong…what I should have done differently…I know that’s not helpful. I can see I was already way too codependent and I did not need to sacrifice myself further on the alter of marriage…I’m forever listening to Ram Das and bringing myself back to be here now. The thoughts of who, what, why are irrelevant. We are getting divorced. I am now in charge of my own life. The possibilities are limitless.

But. The kids are caught in this. Their father has run away and they choose to not communicate with him, mostly because I don’t think either of them can begin to understand how this happened. I tell them often that it is not their fault. It’s all him. I hope they believe me.

I still wouldn’t change the last 20 some years. Besides the kids, who are amazing, lol, I have had some awesome trips, days, events. And some horrible ones. They all get me to where I am now. A true believer that suffering is grace, even if I hate it at the time.

I’m packing the kids into the car and going on a road trip tomorrow. I think I need the change of scenery and a bit of shopping therapy. I can’t get caught in the depression…it’s too dark.

As always, sobriety is the glue that holds my life together. Sober Anne is rational and competent. She can do hard things. I can remember how stressful the years of drinking were, and how scared I was of change then. How hard I clung to the familiar, even when it was killing me. I use that memory to let go more now. I don’t need to cling to a life that’s gone. I might miss what’s still to come.

Stillness and peace

Anne

36 thoughts on “A low period…

  1. I’m glad the paperwork is making its way through the system, and so glad that you love being single. I do/did, too — I married someone recently at age 52, but being independent for so much time before that (and even now in lots of respects) was a very good way to live, including being a die-hard fixer. The road trip sounds like an excellent idea!! Be well.

  2. Sending you a big hug my friend, you are doing so well and I think it would be very surprising if depression didn’t raise it’s ugly head with what you are going through. You are an amazing person Anne and don’t ever forget that ❤

  3. I hear you, about loving being on your own with the kids. My husband was away for a couple of months once and I have to admit I enjoyed the break. I got a lot more done and felt more at ease not having to compromise or worry about doing things the “right” way. I could operate from the center of my own instincts, which made decisions easier and motivation higher.

    Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself when you need it most. Happy for you Anne. Hugs

  4. If I were going through what you are, I’d be up and down too.
    It is not easy, no matter how you look at it.
    You are a beautiful person, and I am sending you love and a hug!
    xo
    Wendy

  5. As the end of my 20 year marriage draws near and we work through details and finances and as I try to put together sober days and cherish time with my children and pets, I so look forward to your blog. It gives me so much inspiration, I know I can get through this. I know I can be happy. I know I am a good mother. I know I deserve to be loved. Your strength helps others. Thank you so very much.

    1. Thank you for sharing that.
      I wondered today if I was too far away from sobriety on this post.
      But sobriety is just part of life and then we have to deal with all the other parts. Even these excruciating ones.
      Hug, you will get through this and you deserve every happiness.

  6. It’s good to see you moving along! The fact that you have continued your sobriety is a testament to your strength. I wish you and your children much happiness as life continues.❤️

  7. I hope your trip goes well. I think when something ends after so long it is inevitable to feel sad for what was, for the closing of the chapter, even when we are content with where we are. But it is true that as one door closes another one opens, with infinite possibilities, sometimes people stay stuck, sometimes the brave walk through that new door. You got this. Sending a hug ❤️

  8. I remember this valley Anne after my divorce. Unless you’ve experienced it words could never fully describe it. Hold on tight to those you love in your immediate circle and keep moving forward looking for an ascent out of there. Don’t stay long for as you know it’s hell. A hell believe it or not that will propel you uP to where you’re suppose to be. I surround you with love, light, and support. TRUST in yourself and KNOW you can do this.

  9. Ugh, my God, I’ve been there. What a roller coaster. Except I wasn’t clean when it was me, and boy oh boy did that make it ten million times worse. Sending lots of love. It gets better with time. ❤️

    1. I volunteered today as a timekeeper at a local run. It was good to meet some people and get out.

      It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting on the couch watching tv. Is that what single people do?

      I don’t want to date…but I need to keep social!

  10. Hugs. Take time to breathe and self care. Brava for doing all this sober.

    Kudos to you for fixing a bike tyre. I have a wheelbarrow tyre that’s flat and it’s not getting fixed on it’s own. There’s a hole. Pumping up lasted only so far. Next week’s fix it project.

  11. Sometimes this human journey is the toughest.
    Your courage and willingness to share parts of your journey on this blog breathes life and expansiveness into your experience and offers people out here the opportunity to practice compassion through caring about you and your family.
    What a gift.
    Sending love and care your way.
    Deb

    1. Thank you.
      I’m still low. The trip was way too busy and way to complicated.

      I have reached out to a few friends and have a couple of coffee dates this weekend, and a therapy appointment tomorrow.

      I know it’s part of the process. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

      I appreciate the check in. It warms my heart.

      1. I’m glad you have a little network around you. Let them love you up.* And therapy appointments can be so good, too – good job, you. More thoughts today. You. Are. Loved! Truly. -HM.

  12. Hi Anne, just checking in to see how you’re doing. It’s such a roller coaster after separation, especially after a long term marriage. I hope that you’re building some good memories with the kids and finding some time to do some fun stuff this summer. Thinking of you. donna

  13. Sounds like you’re on your way to a new and exciting life. Not sure if you read the story of when I started my blog and how my marriage ended but we are women, we are stronger than we think. We can do anything we set our minds to. I wish you strength, love and happiness. But like everything it just takes time. Everyday is a gift. You got this!

    1. I was reading yesterday and was planning to comment to thank you for sharing all that!

      Your story truly spoke to me an reminds me this too shall pass.

      I’m really depressed right now…or burnt out. Divorce almost done. Now comes the letdown.

      Your words really lifted me up last night.

      1. Thank you so much and I am so sorry for what you are going through now. It is not easy, but you will be ok, it just takes time. Lean on your family and friends. Don’t let this person control your thoughts. You will come out the other end ok and a better person. Sending you Love and strength.

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