Hi There! I am still here. Still sober. Even if there have been days where I wish I could turn off the world, and there have been many, I have not.
Craig has moved away. Last Friday I signed all the divorce paperwork and it will be filed soon and then it’s just to wait for the judge to approve. I keep the kids, the house, everything. He runs away to live with his latest girlfriend. 800 km away.
Since then I have sunk deeper into a bit of a depression. I am just so tired. My brain can’t quite keep up with reality. Some days I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I know this feeling well and I am being extra careful with myself.
On the plus side I love being single. I love sleeping alone, taking care of the house. I enjoy my new car. The kids are awesome and spends lots of time with me and we are closer than we have ever been. Most days are quite content. I am figuring out who I am. I never lived alone before and it’s interesting!
My neighbour fixed my lawnmower. I fixed a bike tire. I’m capable. I have an excellent job and am financially independent. Craig pays child support and I am ensuring the kids have the same standard of living they always had.
But it’s all confusing. One day I know this is just craig and his continuing seeking for something to settle himself. It’s not about me. The next I wonder what I did wrong…what I should have done differently…I know that’s not helpful. I can see I was already way too codependent and I did not need to sacrifice myself further on the alter of marriage…I’m forever listening to Ram Das and bringing myself back to be here now. The thoughts of who, what, why are irrelevant. We are getting divorced. I am now in charge of my own life. The possibilities are limitless.
But. The kids are caught in this. Their father has run away and they choose to not communicate with him, mostly because I don’t think either of them can begin to understand how this happened. I tell them often that it is not their fault. It’s all him. I hope they believe me.
I still wouldn’t change the last 20 some years. Besides the kids, who are amazing, lol, I have had some awesome trips, days, events. And some horrible ones. They all get me to where I am now. A true believer that suffering is grace, even if I hate it at the time.
I’m packing the kids into the car and going on a road trip tomorrow. I think I need the change of scenery and a bit of shopping therapy. I can’t get caught in the depression…it’s too dark.
As always, sobriety is the glue that holds my life together. Sober Anne is rational and competent. She can do hard things. I can remember how stressful the years of drinking were, and how scared I was of change then. How hard I clung to the familiar, even when it was killing me. I use that memory to let go more now. I don’t need to cling to a life that’s gone. I might miss what’s still to come.
Stillness and peace