Dates and meaning

I believe that much of our suffering results from the meaning we give things. Meaning that has no read basis. It is subjective. As things change, the meaning changes.

Today is my 20 year wedding anniversary. Of course, craig and I are well on the way to getting divorced and there will be no celebrating.

I wondered this morning if I should feel more sad. The past 6 months have been filled with a wide range of emotion from excruciating heartbreak to anger, disappointment to self confidence. I embrace the liberation of being in charge with no one else to accommodate.

It is earth shattering to have the person you love choose to betray you. It is a huge blow to one’s ego. It opens the door to questioning my worthiness and my value. Is something wrong with me that he would hurt me so badly?

Bu in the end it is him hurting himself. I choose to remove myself from the drama.

I have moved on with rebuilding a safe and supportive life for myself and my kids. We have changed up the house. We have created new routines. They help more. Which is new as until this all happened in November we have had a live in nanny for 15 years. None of us are good at taking care of the house! Lol

The pets continue to multiple. There is now a fish, mouse, hamster, rabbit, bird, bearded dragon, snake and a leap arc gecko. Whew!

Part of me is still sad for the old Craig. He is missing out on so much. But I have to let go of my sympathy for him. He has his path. I am walking my own. Some day he will just be somebody that I used to know….but not yet, obviously, as even writing that makes me sad…

My hope is that next June 5 I don’t even notice the date.

So I am good. Finding myself. Absolutely still sober and grateful for that every day as I chauffeur kids around and keep things as sane as possible.

Stillness and peace


26 thoughts on “Dates and meaning

  1. It’s often said that the end of a marriage is like the end of a life – it involves mourning, I’m sure. But, like most things that involve change, there are always two different paths we can choose: One that involves a negative outcome that brings on more pain or the path of positivity that brings on fulfillment.

    It seems like you are choosing a positive path. I wish you nothing but peace, my friend.

  2. There is nothing wrong with you nor did you create this betrayal, so I’m so glad you see all that, please never question it. You are moving through the world with such grace and dignity…all will be well…carry on friend…

    1. As the day goes by I’m just more and more sad.
      I’m hiding in my office at work, but I’m going to leave soon.
      Craig planning to move isn’t unexpected, but it again seems final…I just feel very alone…

      1. Oh yeah! The loneliness has just started to hit me recently. I know I am okay, but it’s a huge, gaping hole when your person is no longer your person. Go home, do what works for you, a nice meal, a brisk walk, a little cry. Sleep. Be gentle with yourself ❤

  3. They really do miss out on so much. I’m hoping that dates mean nothing to me in a few months. As painful as it is on “ our” side, I still wouldn’t want anything to do with the other side. Let us walk on this uncluttered path of integrity. Peace

  4. I admire your positivity and strength. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, but I am glad to know that you have new routines and it seems like a lot of quality time with your kids! Thank you for sharing this!

  5. That you are getting through all this sober is fucking amazing. Beyond inspiring. I wish it would rub off as I read your words. The loneliness in a 20-year old marriage ending is crushing. We have been in separate bedrooms for two-years now since the great unraveling. Trying to do the best for the kids, trying to protect my financial interests, trying to get sober – it is daunting. And the mediation meeting are just pure torture. Just keep going. Just keep trying to find some joy and purpose. ***Pet rescue helps. Currently at 1 recently death row dog and five chickens but in the market for cats, bunnies, another dog and who knows what might happen after this weekend’s trip to the baby goat yoga class. Thank you for writing your blog.

  6. My heart aches as I relive everything I went through at the end of my 18 1/2 year marriage. I wish there was a magic answer. I never really even understood what happened when one day I was with my best friend and then next day he was saying he wanted a divorce. Sometimes we never get the answers and the best thing we can do is move forward. Keep crying as you need to, the need will lessen. One day you’ll realize you missed that anniversary, it just takes awhile. (In fact, you reminded me of my old June one and I actually hadn’t thought about it – yay!) This will always be a death you grieve to some extent. I admire your strength!

    1. Thank you for that bit of hope!
      It’s funny how I feel guilty about feeling free. But I know I’ve put myself second for a long time.
      I thought I had stopped that when I got sober…but I hadn’t.
      I have an opportunity to truly be myself now. I’m embracing that!

  7. Hi Anne. I’ve been absent for a while and I’m so sorry to come back and find you have such challenging and heart breaking things happening. It’s impressive and inspiring that you’re dealing with it all sober though I wish you weren’t having to. Best wishes x

    1. I have become obsessed with Ram Das and the idea that suffering is grace. I accept this is another event that will open my eyes and heart.

      The deep pain of the first few months has passed. I no longer fear my heart will actually break. Knowing my kids are handling it ok is all that matters.

      Thank you!

    1. It absolutely hurts less. I have occasional waves of loss, where I wonder why this happened…and sometimes what was so wrong with me that he could do this…but they are quickly followed by that remembering that it’s not all about me!

      His choices were not choices against me, they were just about him. I’m collateral damage.

      Which is ok. But the kids being collateral damage is where I remain angry.

      That said, he’s moved to calgary and we will not see him. Shocker. Run away from the problems.

      So the kids and I are actually doing great. I’d say most days I’m enjoying my new life. Who knew?


  8. My husband left when my son was 18 months. After 3 years of fertility treatments.
    He is 26 and thriving. It is possible to be happy: think I dodged a bullet.

    1. Thank you.
      I feel like I have been given a chance to be me.
      I wish it wasn’t so painful, but that’s the problem with things that are worthwhile. They often are.

  9. Anne, you always inspire me with your grace, intelligence and strength. I am so glad you have your wonderful children with you. Love and hugs.

  10. Divorce is so much a bereavement but it does get easier -be proud you’re processing it now sober rather than blocking it out with alcohol – that’s what I did even though it was me that initiated it. Almost 7 years on and now I’m dealing with my grief. It’s ok to cry! Nothing is ever all bad or all good – it’s ok to miss him and want him gone! Good luck!

  11. Getting past the “firsts” during the first year apart is rough. The birthdays, anniversaries and other special times. You will get through each time and the next time and the next time. Just the fact that you are writing about what you are going through is positive. It means that you are not fully gone into the black hole. Live your life, go out with friends, Do what makes you happy. This is your life, take control and be who you want to be. Peace, Love and Happiness. You deserve it!

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