I know this is my sober blog. I started creating another blog to deal with my current life, but I stopped myself. This blog is really about me living my life sober. As such, I wrote about other things…depression, concerts, kids, natural disaster and now the end of my marriage.
I have written about craig a lot. We seemed to be best friends and had a lot of fun together. No…we were best friends and had a lot of fun together. I refuse to give up my good memories. Whenever I try to I become a little paranoid and unbalanced because then everything I know becomes questionable. I cannot live that way.
So, what am I going through…here is my analogy. If you have experienced this maybe it makes sense…
You and your spouse of many years are sitting side by side, marvelling at a sunrise. How beautiful. It’s a picture of perfect ease.
Without warning the spouse stabs you in the back with a knife. You are completely shocked and in pain. You cannot comprehend that your best friend, the person who has seen you at your best and your worst and still loves you, the father of your children, would do this.
He immediately says it wasn’t him. It was a mistake. There’s no knife. Don’t be silly. Let me help you.
You, confused, unable to reconcile your spouse, whom you love and trust, with a person who would stab you, agree to let him help you and turn your back to him.
He pulls the knife out. Pauses. And stabs you again. Immediate saying it was a mistake, somehow your fault for moving. There is no knife….don’t be so dramatic…
In pain, you are getting a bit more aware. No matter who you thought this other person was, they are now hurting you. Some self preservation kicks in. You step away from them.
He falls to his knees saying he didn’t mean to hurt you. He was confused. He’s not even sure where the knife came from. He loves you, but he’s unable to control himself with the knife. It will never happen again. He swears.
So you let him pull the knife out and quickly turn to face him. You still trust him enough not to hurt you when he is actually looking you in the eye. You know you will never turn your back to him again.
Suddenly he reaches out and slashes your arm. Again you are surprised. Then he slashed your other arm. And it dawns on you that you must move further away where he cannot cut you. It is very hard to do this. To leave your best friend, who you trust and love. You try to rationalize a reason for this behaviour. He is angry, he had a bad childhood, he is brainwashed, depressed, obsessed with knives. You watch him where he sits by himself, sharpening the knife, smiling at you. You wish you had thought to take the knife away after the first cut.
Scared and shaken you move far away from this person who would stab you and cut you without any apparent remorse or regret. Over time your wounds heal. They leave scars, but that’s just part of life. You never understand what happened, and eventually you stop trying to. There’s way too much life still to live.
Sorry for making the stabber a he. It could easily be a she as well.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a good day. I plan to. Stay sober! It makes everything manageable.
Stillness and peace
44 thoughts on “What is infidelity…”
The other day craig and I talked and I told him this was death by 1000 cuts. I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything become painful.
It is the most painful thing a spouse can do to their spouse. I’m so sorry xoxoxo
I hope that you are seeking counselling… you need a qualified third party individual to help you sort through this horrible situation and what has happened. I couldn’t have come this far in my sobriety if I hadn’t sought counselling. I really hope you have done so, or are doing so.
Oh I have
I’ve been in counselling for 5 years and am continuing.
The kids too. This is life changing for them.
As you know from my blog I’ve been there. Best friends then suddenly not. Devastating. A 20 year relationship down the drain. It’s taken me years to come to terms with the illusion of the marriage and friendship I thought I had.
I stayed too long and fell into that trap of trying to take on self blame. Maybe I wasn’t cherishing him enough, maybe I could have done things better. My words were ultimately used as a weapon back at me. Trying to meet in the middle did not work. Those words became the justification for more infidelity. An excuse.
I finally now treat that marriage as a death and allow myself my happy memories. Because I was happy, very happy, until I wasn’t. I talk about the good times my ex and I had, with current hubs, because he knows that the ex I am referring to “died”. The ex he has met is still the father of his stepson, but not the man I was married to. I stopped trying to expect my ex to be that person I used to know, or thought I knew so well, that person who cared for me, or I thought he did, and just deal with him respectfully as a stranger. This is my way of coping. I gave up trying to reason “why?”, gave up trying to answer “How did I not know?”, and I stopped asking “How can he not care, be truly remorseful and not blame me?”
Big hug and feel free to email me anytime. I so appreciate you having been there for me over the years that I felt compelled to comment. Sorry so long but cathartic to say it. I agree with recommendation of counseling. It helped me immensely.
I hear your word and they help me with my resolve to move forward with the divorce.
There is no reconciliation to be had here.
Craig and I are civil, and my hope is that we remain so through the process.
It has only been a few months and I see this has changed me…in some ways it has forced me to do things that are uncomfortable. Even simple things like going to a car wash. I am finding my independent self.
Wow. Perfect analogy. And you are so right….SO damn hard to move away!
So sorry about the pain and betrayal you’ve experienced, Anne. Yow…. I’m glad you’re moving through this and past it into a new life. Sending you hugs and warmth and strength and peace, you good human. Adrian
Hi Anne, such a great description of what you’ve been through (going through) and the different, conflicting emotions. I can’t even begin to imagine how Confusing and painful this is. I don’t think now is the time to send positive potential prophetic words, but instead sending love and support. I can’t stop myself from saying how time and time again you show how brave and strong and courageous you are – and this will more than get you through xxx
That was beautifully written, thank you for sharing with us. Hugs.
A. I am so touched by this post. I, too, have functioned on different blogs. I can say you have officially been the “light” to bring me back to blogging. This is a touching and poignant thank you for sharing. The courage it took to release these words seems mind-boggling. I guess I better get started writing again. ♥ Lisa
Thank you so much for that. I debated writing this, but the words just refused to stay in.
I’m often shocked at how hard ending a marriage is. I am not sure what I expected….but there is also a lot of freedom. I didn’t even know I needed that, but I did.
This helped soooooooooo much today. Thank you.
Oh this is gooooooood. This is what happened to me in my first marriage. Never really figured out wtf actually happened, only that it wasn’t going to stop until I completely removed myself. Some people tie themselves in knots trying to figure out WHY. But we will not get a satisfactory answer. Because the stabbers can’t even tell you that.
Fuck me Anne….. that is powerful stuff! My husband was cruel for years and for years I took the blame. He once kicked me out of bed and made me sleep on the floor and I did it. I took the blame and apologised in the morning. Craig has hurt you beyond anything you could have imagined. Remember what I said about waiting at least 2 years to feel anything like normal. You ate strong. Rise rise rise up….. you’ve got this xxxxx
Yes. I can imagine 2 years. One to get through and then one to do things for me.
Oh my friend I feel your pain. I don’t know if helping you not feel so alone will help but if it does I was with my man for 15 years I would say the first 10 were incredible and I thought he was my soul mate for life. Instead he started sleeping around and I didn’t find out until he got caught out making one pregnant. Then the real kicker was that he gave me Chlamydia but went off accusing me of cheating. I now look back and can’t believe that I hung around for those 5 years. It’s hard, really hard but set yourself free XOX
Thank you for sharing that.
I have yet to find a happily ever after that involves reconciliation.
I’m believing the experienced and accepting this is done. I definitely do not want to go through this again. There were days I thought my heart would actually break. It was excruciating….
The saying dying of a broken heart came exactly from that feeling. We will always carry the scars but I have to believe that like a broken bone it fuses itself stronger. Sending you a big hug, don’t be hard on yourself what your going through is huge and there is going to be good days and really sucky ones but you will get through and the brighter ones will start to over take all the sad ones.
that’s such a powerful post and thankyou for sharing . I’m glad you are sober too. I’m on day 4 . I hope you continue to heal xx
Day 4 is an awesome start! Keep going.
I can feel the hurt in your words, thank you for sharing. Being honest and open about this difficult time is brave and so important because we see you navigate this difficult time sober which is very inspiring. Betrayal is incredibly painful and when someone is stuck in that pattern it’s so destructive. I’m sending you lots of love. x
Thank you. It has been very painful. But I am beginning to see sparks of potential and am finding ease alone. I am happy, as well as sad.
This had really reinforced my connection to the present moment. If I just rest in what is, right now, I am ok.
I have taken to listening to Ram Das every day, old talks from years ago. He says other people’s bad behaviour is just their old karma running out….I like that.
I love Ram Das. I saw a quote the other day where he says : treat everyone you meet like god in drag
Anne I am so sorry for the trials and pain you’ve been forced to endure in your relationship. But you are not only enduring- you are taking off, you are a phoenix rising. You’ve also been an amazing role model to me and I credit you as one of the sober anchors that gave me the hope, strength and desire to keep me coming back. Peace be with you my friend.
PS Love the new (to me) gorgeous pic of you.
Thank you for that. 🙏💕
So honest, so deep. Sending blessing of strength, peace and support. I am 10 days today. Thanks for your shares.
Anne- I am so sorry for whatever is happening. The analogy is really powerful. It is clear that is a lot of pain going. I know we (as a couple) are guilty of many small incidents of inflicting that sort of pain. With you. Hope things get better.
Thank you. I never saw this as my future, but I am doing ok.
One day at a time!
Powerful words…keep writing, it helps, as you know, not only yourself but may others. My first marriage ended as well, domestic violence, womanizing-that was 26 years ago. It takes time, and a lot of soul searching, but you’ll come through this as you’ve shown how strong you can be, in so many other situations. Granted, this experience is grand on the hurt scale, and you’ll be all over the place, but one day, you’ll be on the other side of the hurt. dp
Great analogy. It reopened my sympathy wound! My heart breaks for you. I’m proud of you for taking the high road in all of this.
Thank you. Your support has helped me so much. 🙏
Be strong, I know exactly what you are going through, questions and thoughts and ifs and maybes..you have done nothing wrong and yet you look for reasons within yourself. Karma will avenge us, keep up:) will write again
Finally catching up a bit. What a great analogy. You are showing so much strength and positivity through this Anne, and I know how much pain, hurt and confusion this type of deception can cause. I am glad that you are choosing to share on this blog instead of starting a new one.
PS gorgeous new pic 🙂
Wow…yes, that’s what it feels like. Tears of empathy just forced themselves through for you as I read your analogy. I hope for continued healing for you and all who have experienced wounds of this sort.
It’s been a shocking change of life, but I finally feel free…
I have always wanted to know who my wife was always on the phone with. So I hired this group called cyberphoneways. They didn’t disappoint me and I saw all what was going on in his phone.help me thank them. And if you are in need also you can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org
Instagram @ samhoffman123
Beautiful written .. I couldn’t have put in a better way ..
This is unbelievable! I love this. I want to tell my story so bad, but I worry so much he will see it one day.
It’s hard to know what to do…