Stupid foot

I’m waiting for an x ray of my foot. I had a stress fracture 2 years ago and it’s never really felt right again. There’s suddenly a big bump at the spot and it hurts. I went to Physio and she wouldn’t touch it until it was x rayed. Sigh.

It’s not stopping me from going to yoga, etc, but it throbs at night and it hurts to wear shoes…

Otherwise I am learning to be single. I find it very lonely some days. I miss having that person to text hi to. To marvel at the cold or to send funny news articles. I am not that great at feeding myself. For years I’ve meal prepped and cooked. Now I often have cheese and crackers.

I’m going to try to get back to normal with this this week. My son is willing to try new things and so I’m going to cook some teen friendly meals.

Maybe this will help me get motivated. I am isolating in the house. I don’t go to yoga every day. I think I needed this time. I have been cleaning out the house and putting things how I want them. It’s liberating after having a live in caretaker for 15 years. I’ve never really taken care of the house. I like it.

Part of the reason our caregiver stayed was because craig was vocal that he would not do the household work. He would pay for it, or I could do it. I tried to for a very short time and I realized doing housework while your spouse sits on the couch is extremely resentment building. So we paid someone.

Now I do it for me, and the kids, but they are a small help. It’s good.

I saw craig yesterday and he told me he was lonely, missed us all desperately and thought he would like to date. That he didn’t believe I would ever forgive him and I would beat him over the head with the affair for the rest of our lives if we tried to reconcile. Yup. It’s really all my fault.

It’s funny. This just clarified his inability to take responsibility for his actions and his tendency to blame everyone else.

It all makes me sad and heavy. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to be divorced.

But suffering is wishing things were different than they are. I don’t want to suffer unnecessarily. So on I go. New life.

Stillness and peace

Anne

16 thoughts on “Stupid foot

  1. I hope that your x-rays come back with positive results. It is hard getting used to being single after so long, try to focus on the good things and let yourself heal. It’s actually got exciting because now you will get to know YOU. This time is for you and finding out what you love. I still find things that I thought I really liked and enjoyed but now realize actually no I don’t. I was for ever adapting to his likes and pleasing him. It’s you time!! XOX

  2. Mine said the same thing, that I would never let him forget it. I had never thought about it being selfish on his part. And I love that definition of suffering. I don’t know if I have heard that before.

  3. Big hugs (and a big high five) from me. I don’t want to say mean things about your Ex – I don’t know him for starters and I do realise he must have a zillion glorious qualities to have had someone as lovely as you fall in love with him. BUT! As you point out, those are the words of a very selfish (and childish!!) person – him saying you’d beat him up over the affair. Er, yes. Accepting the angst, anger and hurt from those we’ve wounded is called taking responsibility for our actions, not turn ourselves into victims because it’s a bit crap to have to face the music when we’ve f*cked up. Poor little middle aged boy! Grr. I’m so glad you see this clearly and that you are moving on with a sense of calm, strength and clarity. I can absolutely see how single life takes adjusting to and I’d be the same, but it’s so positive that the fear of the unknown hasn’t got you returning to a person who broke your trust and violated your vows. Good for you and life will no doubt turn out amazing. Hope the foot comes right too. I think you are wonderful. Anna xx

    1. Thank you.
      The foot results were positive. No break. Tendonitis. Which is ok with me. As long as I’m not making it worse! I’ll call the podiatrist.

      He is childish, and I’m glad I write about it because sometimes I do want to take him back. Which is not the advice I would give to someone else! So I must remind myself that.

      Thank you For the high five. I do need the little boost to remember I can do hard things.

  4. Best of luck on your foot. I have a similar problem with my knee – ugh!!
    And I think you are wise beyond your years. Such a hard part of life to be going through, but I think you will be just fine. Re-discover, re-invent yourself – it’s a whole new world. Thinking of you always. Hugs. A

  5. I hope your foot feels better.
    “It all makes me sad and heavy. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to be divorced.” – you are not alone with this feeling and this brought me to tears. But we go on. Thank you for your writings.

  6. Oh Annie I am so sorry about the separation. I’ve been away so long but thought I’d come out to the blogosphere and check up. Prayers and love and wishes for peace my friend. And remember, we heal stronger in the broken places.

  7. I am almost a year into being separated from my husband. 6 months since me and the children moved house. It was definitely the right decision but I had no idea it would be so hard. It can be lonely but liberating at the same time. I still see him a lot because we share 3 children. I have to let them go and stay with him. I worry about him. It’s very hard to focus on doing things for myself as I’m just not used to it but I believe my time will come. Someone told me it will take 2 years till I feel ok about it all and that I should take these 2 years to lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself and grieve for the future that i thought i was going to have. So i am doing that and I am working full time for the first time since i had kids 15 years ago and I am getting there. It’s a process Anne. Take good care of yourself xxx

  8. Hi Anne, I am so sorry that you are sad. You have such good awareness tho, of what it is that you are actually missing about having a partner. I found such healing in tending my own house after I quit drinking, it was a place to put my energy, I am glad you are discovering this, too, it is empowering and you get to sit right in the middle of your accomplishments. Moving furniture should be one of the “steps” ;). I am having FOOT issues this spring as well and am doing physio (needling GAH) to repair the damage, which seems to be the after effects of my leg break two years ago – overcompensating on the other side. This seems symbolic of what you’ve written about here, how you are realizing now all the ways that you were compromising yourself to make up for the weaknesses of your partner.

  9. Oh my goodness Ann I’m so glad I tracked back to you. I’m feeling you hard here. It’s so typical, turning it around like that. Story over here is I “just can’t accept who he is” along with “I never really did accept it”. But we know our own truths. We KNOW THEM. Find the liberation, feed yourself, hold your friends and community close and you will be just perfectly fine. It’s not your job to forgive. You can if you want. But only if there is an amends that is real, and perhaps not even then. I don’t have to tell you how that sort of thing works. Solidarity sister. You are marvellous.

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