I’m waiting for an x ray of my foot. I had a stress fracture 2 years ago and it’s never really felt right again. There’s suddenly a big bump at the spot and it hurts. I went to Physio and she wouldn’t touch it until it was x rayed. Sigh.
It’s not stopping me from going to yoga, etc, but it throbs at night and it hurts to wear shoes…
Otherwise I am learning to be single. I find it very lonely some days. I miss having that person to text hi to. To marvel at the cold or to send funny news articles. I am not that great at feeding myself. For years I’ve meal prepped and cooked. Now I often have cheese and crackers.
I’m going to try to get back to normal with this this week. My son is willing to try new things and so I’m going to cook some teen friendly meals.
Maybe this will help me get motivated. I am isolating in the house. I don’t go to yoga every day. I think I needed this time. I have been cleaning out the house and putting things how I want them. It’s liberating after having a live in caretaker for 15 years. I’ve never really taken care of the house. I like it.
Part of the reason our caregiver stayed was because craig was vocal that he would not do the household work. He would pay for it, or I could do it. I tried to for a very short time and I realized doing housework while your spouse sits on the couch is extremely resentment building. So we paid someone.
Now I do it for me, and the kids, but they are a small help. It’s good.
I saw craig yesterday and he told me he was lonely, missed us all desperately and thought he would like to date. That he didn’t believe I would ever forgive him and I would beat him over the head with the affair for the rest of our lives if we tried to reconcile. Yup. It’s really all my fault.
It’s funny. This just clarified his inability to take responsibility for his actions and his tendency to blame everyone else.
It all makes me sad and heavy. I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to be divorced.
But suffering is wishing things were different than they are. I don’t want to suffer unnecessarily. So on I go. New life.
Stillness and peace