Cold days

It’s cold here where I live. I expect it’s cold in most of North America. And living in northern Canada it is to be expected. But -55 is beyond acceptable. I have been hermiting in the house much more than usual. I admit, I like it.

We got a bird. His name is Paul. Yes, the zoo grows. We have Frank the bunny, Norman the fish, Dill the bearded dragon, peter the snake, Larry the mouse and Melvin the hamster. Some days I wonder what is wrong with me…lol but they are all small and, with the exception for frank, live in cages.

Being single is an interesting think. I moved Larry the mouse into my room so I have someone to talk to besides myself. He is a bit stinky…mice are brutal, but he makes me smile. And since my room is now all mine, who cares?!? I have never lived alone before.

Craig is no longer around. He appears remorseful and apologetic. It’s hard to tell what’s true and what’s lies to cover bad behaviour. I see him at work, we do work together, but that’s about it. I had some thought of just sucking it up and letting him come back, but I refuse to accept that cheating on your wife of 20 years with a sleazy young woman is acceptable or tolerated. I have way too much pride and self respect for that. Plus,he continued to lie to me about things…insignificant things (or maybe not…it’s hard to know when someone is a known liar and cheater). I’m not sure where his rigorous honesty is. I guess he still, has some work to do. And now he has lots of time for that.

The kids and I are settling into a nice routine. C Is going to school every day, which is a huge improvement for her. I finally demanded the school to help me find a way to assist her. Her school anxiety is debilitating. It took going to the district office, but they have accommodated her in a way that is working! This is so awesome. She is succeeding, and she is no longer texting me all day telling me how horrible it is. It’s helped us both. My son is playing basketball for his school, so I drop him off every morning for early practice. It’s nice to have a little alone time with him. I know he is somewhat sad and definitely angry. The three of us have already made a few plans. This could be fun.

Most days I am pretty resolved that I will be divorced at some point in the future. It’s hard to let go of 20 years. It’s very hard to believe that a parent could put illicit sex above their self respect, children and stability. But, of course, people do this all the time. It’s so cliche.

In many ways this experience is just like quitting drinking. I cling to my memories of craig as a good friend. As a fun guy. As someone I trusted explicitly. Just like I clung to the idea that life without booze would be dull, lifeless and hard. I rationalized my drinking for a long long time. Refusing to truly recognize the harm it was doing to me and my life.

Fear of change kept me in the pain of addiction. And, I am pretty sure that the same thing is happening here. Fear of change, of being alone, of having to decide everything for myself have me considering if I can accept Craig’s shitty behaviour and reunite. But my past experience shows that the leap of faith forward turns out to be much better than holding on what I know is hurting me.

Some days I’m very very sad. Occasionally I have been excruciatingly frustrated that this has happened without my consent (control freak) and on these days I am very careful with myself. I would love to dull my mind. But I know the only way to get past this is to let it be.

Most of the time I am looking forward to endless possibilities.

Stillness and peace

Anne

23 thoughts on “Cold days

  1. virtual hug …. i hope you are finding it helpful to blog your thoughts out … . your honesty is searing and brave …. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ i am rooting for you….. and sending healing thoughts

    1. I though about starting another blog for this, but it’s all just part of my life journey.
      These are the times all the work we do when things are ok actually means something. Not that I like that truth, but there it is.

  2. It’s nice to see your acceptance and peace around this situation, in the aftermath of learning about Craig’s highly shitty behavior. YOU GO, ANNE. And I’ll also say, unsolicitedly, because I was recently telling a friend about an entirely unplanned role I played several years ago in helping another friend feel more peace in her decision to leave her marriage and all the uncertainty and doubt that stirred up in her….. that, being alone/single/unattached/making all the adult decisions alone/etc., is good and fine and great and an awesome way of life in my opinion. It’s where I’m by far the most comfortable, and possibly even happiest. I’m so glad you’re opening yourself to the infinite possibilities ahead of you, wherever that takes you in terms of partnerships and homes and social structure and all else. Sending much love. xo Adrian

  3. The way you reason around all this is with such balance and clarity. You’re describing a situation that must be so painful, difficult and daunting, yet what I come away with reading this is your strength, calm and positivity. I want to hug you, high five you and aim to take your approach to life – you will be (you ARE!) just fine. Xx

  4. It takes what it takes. Well meaning people say a lot of things & I hope you ignore them all through this process of change & know your Higher Power (is it the mouse!?) has your back.

    Xo

  5. That is so cold!

    Thank you for sharing this, the part about the comparison between quitting drinking and letting go of your relationship is a really interesting insight. Fear of change is so crippling in so many ways. Thanks again for your words!

    1. I remember when I was quitting drinking that people often compared to an abusive relationship. We know it’s bad for us, but the devil you know is sometimes preferable to the devil you don’t.
      It is soooo cold. And my kids wear hoodies to school!

  6. I am just in awe of you and how you are handling this with such grace. Thank you for sharing this difficult journey… it really shows with clarity how important it is to not slip back into the fog of alcohol. You are amazing! Hugs to you!

  7. Sending love my friend. I wish we lived closer, though to clarify by that I mean I wish you lived closer to me and not me living closer to you, because it is cold enough here already.

  8. I think sometimes the more sober time we have under our belts, the easier it is to normalize what is, in actuality, a constant miracle.
    The choice to be truly present in our lives, grounded, honest, raw, real.
    The hurts hurt so deeply. And we are now, more often, able to actually allow the experience and the feelings to be here, take what we need in terms of growth, and leave the baggage behind.
    Laura McCowan said in a recent newsletter that one of the gifts of sobriety is no longer being as afraid to feel. She also said, “This is the real gift, right? To be able to, as much as we can, be a source of equanimity in the world. For ourselves, and for others.”
    I feel equanimity in the words and spirit of this post.
    Keep taking care of you.
    Deb

    1. You are absolutely right. It is a miracle and something I hold precious. Sobriety has given me a real life.
      The pain is almost unbearable at times. But so are the moments of joy I’ve had with my kids.
      I know I must accept the bad to have the good.

  9. Thank you for writing about what you are going through. I’m also looking at a divorce after 20 years because of shitty behavior. I have two amazing kids and that makes it even harder. I struggle with my sobriety, fear and anxiety but reading blogs like your help. Thx.

    1. I know. I would do anything for my kids. They have made it clear they think we should get divorced. But I would have given anything for this not to be part of their lives.

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