There is nothing like the deep cut of pain to open ones eyes to their own actions.
I am codependent. I have spent many years minimizing my own wants and needs to accommodate my husband’s. He never asked me to, but I have.
This is an old behaviour pattern for me. Read the room, decide how to keep the peace, act that way.
Smile, accommodate, don’t complain. It was still a mask, even if I didn’t realize it. I was still trying to protect myself from anger, criticism, being told I was selfish. I
I believed I was doing this to create contentment. I thought my behaviour was selfless.
But it was actually martyrdom and I was expecting so much less for myself than I deserve. Resentment has hidden inside and it has reared its head.
Why? Because it hasn’t worked. All my accommodating and lack of boundaries and empty threats didn’t keep craig in love with me. He still betrayed me. He did what he wanted. He always did.
I can only control my own behaviour, and my own behaviour has not always been for me. I can not control anyone else. Their decisions are on them.
So here is my opportunity. Now I can look at my life and try to remember what it is I want and value. And I can own those things, I can plan for them and I can find the words to voice my needs.
This has shaken me deeply. I know that is the sign that it’s real.
Stillness and peace,