I’m currently sitting in a waiting room, with my child, C, who is seeing their psychiatrist. There is also a therapist and an excellent pediatrician. And a gender counsellor. We are experimenting with using the pronouns they them instead of she her, so I’ll try here.
They are having a hard time. They have some serious depression and anxiety. It has been here for a few years, but grade 7 was hard. They did not like school and although most days were ok, the bad days were very very bad. C feels persecuted and disliked and socially awkward. They often wish they were dead, because the pain of trying feels overwhelming. It’s very hard to hear that from ones child, but I am thankful they are willing to share their darkness with me. I am thankful I am a safe haven.
Many days are good. We adopted s fluffy grey rabbit and named him Frank. He has made us all a bit happier. He is funny. Summer is easy. There’s no school and little routine. I have to work, but it’s easier with no school. And we still have our nanny, so someone is home to make sure the kids are fed and watered. They sleep much of the days.
I continue to practice yoga. It is part of me, and it has changed my entire way of being. I’m less likely to take things personally. I’m calmer. I’m less frazzled and more steady.
The last few weeks of school really shook out calm. C pretty much fell apart and became suicidal.I was scared for them. My anxiety became electric. It was like my skin was on fire and I was so distressed. It took all my effort to continue on…and I mainly did by plodding. I just moved ahead, no huge goals or plans. Just maintaining the basics and giving myself space. And it helped me get back to now, where my mind is able to find some stillness and peace.
I try hard to stay in the now, but I’m beginning to worry about how school will be in September. I’m trying to find the balance between offering my child support and enabling them, trying to protect them so much that they aren’t able to deal with even small obstacles. I wish I knew what was right.
I often think about how life would be if I hadn’t quit drinking. Would I have seen c struggling? Would I have been able to cope? I’m not sure. I was having so much trouble coping myself back then. I just don’t think I could have handled this…well, not very well anyway. Even today, c was being bitchy and stubborn (they are 13 after all) and eventually I broke down and cried. The meanness that can come from a child is unmatched. Of course, c felt guilty…but is how we learn empathy…
Sigh. We are going to all get in the car and go on a short road trip this weekend, and 5hen a longer one in a few weeks. Maybe the change of scenery will spark something.
Thank you all for listening and being here. I suppose kids all have their ages and phases and developmental times that challenge us in different ways. Writing this has helped me remember that this is not easy, but I’m doing it. And, like one of my favourite yoga teachers said last week, if it wasn’t this, it would be something else. Yes.
Stillness and peace,