Looking back…

Four years ago I was sad. My life seemed bleak. I was full of anxiety and very depressed.

I had a good job, a nice family, but inside I felt wrong. I never felt good enough. I never felt successful. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I hated myself.

I had tried to solve my deep distress. I embrace exercise and food rules and became obsessed with fitness and low carb diets and depriving myself. I felt good when doing this, but in a bleak, self destructive way. There was always something I didn’t do right. During this time I really believed if only I could be perfect, things would be ok…and that consequences and accountability would help me find that.

This helped for a few years, as my ability to control my body and my food intake helped my anxiety….but eventually it stopped helping.

Through it all I could see that drinking was part of the problem, but I never really considered I would have to quit. I just needed to get things under control. So I drank more water, has more days off between drinking, etc. But it was part of our social life and I refused to do much more.

As my anxiety got worse I looked for more solutions. I joined an online fitness program. And it turned out to be a self help program in disguise. All that year we were encouraged to ask ourselves what our “best life”would include. What things we did to support this.

And drinking always cropped up as something holding me back.

December 1,2013 I finally had enough. I decided I couldn’t used stupid rules or plans to stop drinking. I just had to not drink.

So, as an early birthday gift, I decided to give myself a year of sobriety.

I have really never looked back. It has been very, very hard sometimes…I have had episodes of depression, people close to us have died, shitty things happened. BUT it has also been the easiest decision I ever made. And make every single day.

Because once the hysteria ended and shadow alcohol had over me lessened, i felt free.

With that freedom I have chosen to take the path of self awareness. I have looked for and asked for help from many different venues. I try to be open minded enough to participate before judging. And I let go of what isn’t helping me.

I follow the yogic path, I embrace honesty and compassion, and I try to treat myself and others like the precious and divine creators we are.

I have become a person I am proud of.

The thoughts of drinking are minuscule now. They mostly appear when I am hungry and tired and am feeling insecure. I find telling other about them make them powerless. Secrets have never helped me.

If you think alcohol is preventing you from living a life of joy and contentment, quit. Get whatever help you need to make that happen, and find out who you really are. You will be amazed.

Thank you all for all the support you have shown me over the years! My plan is for there to be many more.

Stillness and peace


34 thoughts on “FOUR YEARS LATER…

  1. Happy Birthday! You are a gift to the blogging community. What a joy to watch you grow. ♥ Recovery “is” the best high I have ever known. (And the longest lasting)

  2. This is such a powerful and inspiring post. I really admire your bravery, honesty and strength. It’s such a great mind flip to see sobriety as a gift to yourself rather than a deprivation. Very cool. Thank you for your support to us all still struggling to make that leap. Congratulations to you – you are truly a sober rock star!

  3. YES!!

    Anne…you are a gift to the community, your stillness and peace” something I consistently hear ringing in my ear.
    Congratulations, Happy Birthday, whatever!

    Im so happy for you!

  4. So thankful that you helped me arrive at the same conclusion.Your journey continues to inspire me. Happy 4 Years!!!
    Day 519 🌻

  5. Congratulations Anne! Thank you for always inspiring. Coming up on 6 months- not only survived but thrived through Thanksgiving with sparkling cider! Felt great to be a positive influence on my sister-in-law (and drinking partner) for a change!

  6. Congratulations, absolutely wonderful achievement and a super post too. You describe the “last days” so accurately and yes you put it so well when you said if drinking is preventing you from being happy and living your best life then quit. Having support from people who truly understand ie. other alcoholics/ problem drinkers has been key to my recovery. Sending love S xx

  7. Happy 4 years Anne! You are one of the first bloggers who responded to one of my comments, I remember the moment so clearly…it was like …there is contact with an actual person in recovery! You have been such a massive support to so many. Thank you.x

  8. That was a wonderfully inspiring post to read as I woke up today. Thank you for all of your support. I haven’t been in a blogging mood of late but reading through recent posts is how I start most mornings with my tea!

  9. Anne. Love this and love you. As @Hurrahforcoffee says above, I also really came to rely on and be so grateful for your comments on my blog. Connection has made all the difference for me. Congratulations!

  10. This gave me goosebumps. Happy sober birthday. You’ve helped me more than you could know in not only your kindness and support, but your honesty and writings. I feel so blessed to know you.
    Here’s a massive cheers to you and sobriety, the best gift that sadly so few give to themselves! Xxx

  11. Congratulations Anne!! I’m so happy for you. You were one of the first bloggers who reached out to me and offered words of encouragement and support when I quit drinking, and for that I am so incredibly grateful ❤

  12. Yeah! You were just ahead of me in 2013. (My previous sober date was 12/22/13). I followed you closely when I stared my old blog in March 2014. Always amazed by your self care, insights about food and body, yoga adice, music tastes, family commitment. And I will not cry over my lost anniversary that could of mirrored your.

    Congrats A! And you are a very generous blog comment-er.

  13. I super big congrats to you Anne! This is such a touching post. You’ve been so supportive of me and I see you support others. What a domino effect you create. Your thoughts inspiring others, your feedback lifting others up. And all the while you stay sober because of it! What a beautiful thing. I treasure this post. The changes you’ve gone through, mostly internal, all worth it.

  14. This post is really inspirational. I truly can relate to the ways you felt. I’m just starting out on my own sober journey and it’s such a gift to hear from others who are farther along how much richer and fuller life can be without the booze. Thank you 🙏

  15. Oh that is wonderful! Well done you. I’ve just read The Sober Mummy Diaries which has really helped me understand that drinking and depression / anxiety all just go hand in hand. Keep going. Battle on McDuff! X

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