I have read lots of blogs recently where people are dealing with relapse and trying to understand what the next step is.
And a few bloggers have disappeared…maybe thinking they don’t want the pressure or will begin again in 2018….I don’t know, I just know my heart goes out to anyone struggling.
So. All I want to say is that in a sober community I really hope there is no need to hide or pretend things are better than they are. We all have struggled and felt defeat and couldn’t understand our own behaviour and created long, elaborate excuses for what we knew were not our best choices. We all learn by sharing our experiences.
This is hard. Really hard. Every day of sobriety is a win. Every time we choose not to drink is a act of self compassion.
In the year before I finally quit I swore every Monday that I was done. I always felt that horrible, post drinking anxiety and self loathing. I felt physically exhausted and mentally beaten down. By Thursday or Friday I would have perked up enough to begin to reconsider and in my head an argument would begin. I derserved to have a drink after a hard week. Everyone else drank. I was FINE. That thinking would grow and grow and become, what anothe blogger today called the fuck it’s.
I can still feel that intense tornado of anxiety that went with those thought. And eventually I would give in. I never ever expected to want long term sobriety, so even short term seemed unreasonable.
In a few weeks I will have 4 years of continuous sobriety. My life is dramatically more fulfilling than it was in 2013, but it is also very much the same. Same job, family, home. But I am very different. In these 4 years I have tried to explore support, open mindedness, asking for help, complete honesty. I have made sober friends in pèrson and online.
So…where am I going with this…if you can at all relate to what I wrote and you have even a few days of sobriety, hold on to it. It is fragile and precious and needs nurturing. Talk to someone. Go to a meeting. Ask for support and if people say they don’t think you are “that bad,”,know all that matters is what you think. Because self denial is strong, but soul crushing.
On the other side is freedom and joy. And a different way of life that might seem scary and boring and bleak, but is beautiful.
And if you have longer term sobriety. Cherish it. I have many times considered if I could drink again…maybe it woüld be different. Maybe I’m more self aware and less self destructive. But I just can’t imagine I would be worth risking freedom and joy for alcohol and numbness. The basic fact it’s even a consideration reminds me why I don’t drink.
So keep writing. Keep tryin. Keep patting yourself on the back and telling yourself you love yoü.
And don’t drink today!
Stillness and peace