Fall has come. I find this time of year hard. It is darker and darker every day and getting cold. We had some snow, but it melted. Snow will come to stay eventually!

Craig and I travelled to Sacramento to the aftershock festival. Nine inch nails were amazing. The rest of the line up was great too..Izzy, five finger death punch, Halestorm, starset…

The travel was hellacious. Everything that could go wrong did. I didn’t deal well at all. Sigh. I try hard to go with the flow, and am successful sometimes, but I can still be pushed into seeing red. I actually had a moment where I was so mad I thought…if there was a bottle here I might drink it…or if there was a knife I might stab someone…it’s scary to get so caught up in anger, but, instead, of choosing something self destructive I cried. I cried long and hard.

Crying seems like the weak choice, until I actually try it and then I realize just how cleansing those tears were. They were an act of self compassion. 

Anyway, I got over it and then spent a few days refilling my clearly empty cup. I went to restorative yoga instead of power flow. I slept more. And I got back to being ok.

And now I have the flu. Lol

I though it was seasonal allergies, but today the cough became a feverand headache and chills. I stayed home for. Work and slept all day. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

As I come up on 4 years of sobriety I realize the rest of my life will be a continuous practice of self compassion and contentment, but then forgetting and freaking out and learning from that experience. That what makes life interesting. Being zen all the time would be stagnant and boring. I know that, even if I still kind of wish it was possible.

I se lots of new bloggers and am missing some who haven’t posted for a while. I hope everyone is well. There is no bad day that drinking couldn’t make worse! 

Stillness and peace


16 thoughts on “Fall

  1. I’m sorry you’re sick, but grateful you posted…yes,that continues practice of self-compassion…so, so true.
    And not drinking is a practice too , right..so you have been pretty continuously zen for almost 4 years now!!
    I was thinking about you yesterday as I taught a class and was talking about stillness in yin, and i added “peace” to the comment i was making, because…you popped in my head!

  2. I get what you mean about crying, but when you are REALLY crying I think ‘oh man, I needed this..’ to stop trying to be ‘ok’ and just to let things out. I really think I should cry more often but just trying to be ‘strong’ all the time! Doh.
    Glad you didn’t drink.. or stab someone!!
    Sorry to hear about the flu, but guess your mind and body saying ‘give me down time!!!’ Enjoy stranger things.. I got addicted to the Good Wife and after that I’m on to ST2!

    I’ve still never seen NIN. Downward spiral was the soundtrack to my teens!
    Lots of love xx

  3. Hi
    It sounds like the emotion of anger got you by the throat. I used to be afraid of my anger but I realise that it exists to protect me and show me when others or myself haven’t been caring. I’m coming up to 17 years sober ODAT on the 4th of November. Like you I have the flu and a chest infection I have told my husband to shot me ( due to bouts of self pity) but I know it will pass.
    The clocks have gone back here in the UK usually I hate it, but feeling as I do it comforts me and I pull the daylight around me, in my cosy lounge and breathe and allow myself to heal, to let go. As a control freak it isn’t easy but it’s a day at a time😊
    Wishing you to be well very soon Trace x

  4. Feel better Anne.
    I love that you wanted to stab someone, makes me realise that thoughts like that lurk in all of our brains and our job is to mostly keep them tucked away in back. Your Zen to rage ratio is the opposite of mine I think, I’m angry a lot of the time and zen occasionally. I’ll work harder on getting closer to your balance.

    1. It’s taken a long time to not be bitter and angry. I surprised me to think back at how unhappy I was.
      But I was SO MAD AND FRUSTRATED at the airport I could have snapped.

      I continue to work on noticing when things start getting to that point. My 12 year old is trying to learn the same thing…she’s actually helping me a lot!

      I’m glad you are back.

  5. Hi Anne!
    Fall is such a hard time for me, too.
    It’s tricky, and getting going in the morning takes a boatload of effort.
    Yes…it’s learning and then forgetting! LOL
    I hope you are feeling better!

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