Life continues…

Hi all!

I hope everyone is doing well!

 I have settled into the back to school routine. The kids have their stuff. They are doing very well.

I have moved office locations, sadly, and instead of being in the city I am a half hour drive north at the plant site. I used to work out here, but I had been in town for over 13 years. The one plus is craig also works out here “at site” and so we drive together. There is a bus, but it picks us up at 6:20 and that’s just too early for me. 

I’ve injured my back. Badly. I actually really hurt it over the summer, but Physio seemed to be helping. Then last week I went to a different yoga class and twisted in a strange way and BANG. intense pain. Stars pain. Pain that follows me through the day. Standing up, carrying things. 

Since then I have been trying to accomodate it, but have been doing a poor job. I taught yoga Friday, Monday and Tuesday. During each class I found myself in a position where I could not move without great pain. Mainly because I insisted on demonstrating a posture that put pressure on my lower back. Poses I can normally hold easily. Ego.

And, in my stubbornness and refusal to accept I am injured, I went to a nice class I like last night. And suffered through it. I tried to modify poses slightly, but I quickly was in constant and severe pain.

I recognized my ego. It is really hard to modify when you”know” you can do something. Especially when that something is something you love to do. I love sun salutations, triangle, shoulder stands. It always feels like a celebration of life to me.

It is hard to do less. 

At some point in the class I realized I’m grasping. I’m worrying about what others think if I don’t do the full pose. I’m not listening to my body. I’m not embodying my belief that it’s not about the pose, but the intention. That Maybe I still do want yoga to change my body, as well as to change my mind…so many thoughts! I almost packed up and left. 

Instead I stopped. I laid on my back while the class continues. And it was REALLY HARD to stay there. I kept noticing my want to get up and try again. And I just kept telling myself there is honestly nothing to do. This is yoga. Honouring my body. Accepting things as they are. Breathing. Releasing. One pose is not better than another. Savasana is not less than trikonasna. They are all yoga.

By the time the class come into savasana I had found my stillness. She ends the class with mint oil and it was absolutely lovely. 

Perhaps this is my path right now. I may go to class and spend the entire time laying in savasana. Giving myself the stillness and peace I so love. Finding acceptance of what is.

There are lessons everywhere.

Stillness and peace


31 thoughts on “Life continues…

  1. Maybe you need some physio. Maybe you should see a doctor. Hope you feel better soon. Have you ever tried restorative yoga btw? That is just pure bliss.

    1. I have been to Physio. I need to go back. And probably to massage.
      She (Physio)says it is a disk bulging. I know better..honestly, I just hated to give in.

      I do love restorative yoga and will see if I can’t find a class. Good thought!

  2. That sounds like an amazingly hard but intense lesson, hats off for you. May I say that I am not surprised that things pop up after you having been so strong for so long?
    Not sure if to wish you quick recovery or if that might sound too ‘let’s fix this now-ish’. Wishing you well on your travels and I am throwing in a ‘baby steps’ here. πŸ˜‰
    Hugs and love, Feeling

    1. I read an excellent book that discussed physical pain as having an emotional basis. Healing back pain- the mind body connection.

      I believe this is probably a big part of it. Tension from stress.

      Understanding what to do is harder. I have underlying fear that if I don’t use my body it will get weak…but I have time to restring then and I think I am unnecessarily scared.

      It’s confusing to believe it is both emotional pain and a physical injury…

      1. Aaah! So maybe the ‘Medical intuition’ summit/conference/whatever comes in time for you too! πŸ™‚ The link is on my blog post for 2 days ago I believe.
        From what you write here ‘I have an underlying fear that if I don’t use my body it will get weak’ sounds basis enough even for my back to start hurting over and that is accross the Northern Atlantic! Did you speak with your back?
        FYI, I found this an amazing piece of info when it comes to body-mind connection: the body and the mind do not know the difference between actual fear belonging to a happening in the here and now and the fear of remembered or imagined future happening. So when you override your fear with ‘Oooh, but the feeling of going weak is not real.’ You might have comforted the mind but your body might still experience it as real. Tricky it is. πŸ™‚
        Not sure if your last sentence is a question but here’s what I think I figured out. Things being both emotional and physical sound ok to me because I assume that disease starts in an misunderstanding of the workings of Life (the laws of nature/god/the universe/our body/bodies/soul/spirit) and then, if we continue this dis-ease long enough, it will settle in the body and manifest there.
        xx, Feeling

  3. Well-some would say that your load got too heavy-like the straw that broke the camels back! It’s so hard when our body doesn’t do what our mind/ego thinks it should! One time a therapist told me that there’s always a secondary side to an illness or injury-like letting yourself stay home from work-or taking it easy-things like that. Feel better! I know you know what to do!

  4. It took me a long time to accept a scaled-down yoga ability to accommodate my wrist/shoulder injuries but I find that even an easier, modified practise is still much better than nothing. Back pain in miserable, I hope you feel better asap. Take care x

  5. When I took a couple yoga classes the instructor had a broken pelvis. She used a student to visually lead the class while she got to walk around and help us individually. It was great! She broadened her yoga practice after the 18 months it took to heal and now also offers Recovery Yoga (not the 12 step kind) recovery from injury or illness or mental health. She also began a meditation group that stemmed from dealing with her own stress of not being able to, literally, sit down. She adjusted her classes to come in 1 day a week and then offered online classes that the students would watch from home the other 2 days and get to keep as part of the class price. THEN she went to India for a month to learn more. I thought she was so creative in the face of an injury.

  6. I’m so glad you are getting back to ‘normal’ and that your family is doing well πŸ™‚ I’m sorry your back is hurting…I think that going to yoga and lying down is a great idea – finding your stillness and peace.

  7. Hi Anne,
    I am so sorry you hurt your back!
    I understand injury and yoga.
    I also understand wanting to keep trying, even when hurt.
    When I hurt my back, I did physical therapy, acupuncture, massage, and didn’t do any moves that made it hurt.
    It took time to heal, but it is better now, although I still modify a lot.
    You are so right…there are lessons in everything!
    I am sending you healing thoughts to help you!

  8. Can totally empathise on all levels. Be kind and patient to your body and it will do right by you.(words from someone who tends to do the opposite and make injuries last longer… :/ )

    I strongly believe in the connect between mental and physical though. And use the physical to escape the mental, and then over do it… And then I feel terrible… A little catch 22.

  9. Thank you for detailing your struggle, Anne. Staying in the moment and honoring what our bodies need as opposed to what we want for them is an incredible challenge (Superficial example also tied to Ego: High Heels). Your stillness in the end inspires me. Really beautiful. I am sorry you are in such pain. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.* -HM.

  10. I hurt my back and continued to “train through the pain”. Continued to run and do triathlons because “I’m better than that”. Wound up having neurosurgery because I couldn’t function any longer. I had immediate relief and am back to triathlons/hot yoga. But maybe if I hadn’t pushed so hard I wouldn’t have needed surgery? Ego gets us in trouble. Hope you are better soon.

  11. I loved your post and am sorry to hear about your back. I also have back issues and yoga helps so much. But your pain sound so much worse, I have been know to have steroid injections which really does help, but some people are adverse to that kind of treatment. Anyway, yoga is the best medicine. It doesn’t matter how perfect your pose is, but that you are mindful when you are in it. Give yourself permission to just be in whatever pose your body is asking for. Peace to you.
    Tina Jeanne

  12. Sounds like we need a stroll along the river path ! I tore a muscle in my back during a particularly aggressive golf game last week and I’m experiencing the same issues Anne! I am so frustrated with my inability to participate in my new love-yoga- and all my other sobriety coping mechanisms. I have been very bored and that is dangerous, lots of crazy thoughts swimming around my noggin. Thank you all for the reminders that we can just adapt and take it slowly.Damn ego.

  13. Ugh..pain and injury…I’m so sorry. Maybe you can allow yourself be in a phase of rest and recovery for however long it takes…you spent a long time under tremendous stress. Take care of you.

  14. I could really relate to finding myself bringing mixed intentions and emotions to yoga practice. I always tell myself that I am just there to honor my body, that it is not about performing or comparing myself to others or perfecting a pose, but I can’t escape noticing that I AM getting stronger and I CAN hold many poses that I used to be unable to even attempt. I managed to somehow injure my left elbow earlier this summer, and then about a week or two ago, I pulled or tweaked my rhomboid on the right pretty badly. This week, I had to face the fact that I had to take a break. I went to see the occupational therapist on Wednesday, which was good, but just reminded me that I need to take care of the body that I am in today. This morning, I skipped my usual power class and went to a slow flow stretch and strengthen class. It was just what I needed. I like your idea of spending the whole class in savasana. I am thinking of you and hope that your back improves. I agree that the way we think about our pain plays a big part in how we experience pain. It sounds like you are on a healing path. It is frustrating that we can’t know how long it will take to feel better when we’re hurt and sick, but I guess it’s just part of the journey. Sorry for the long and rambling nature of these thoughts! Do take care! ❀️

  15. Oh no! I’m sad to hear you’ve been hurting. How wonderful that uou have the healing prescription written right on your arm…stillness and peace….! Sending love my friend.

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