Rock on Anne!! It’s great you can step out of stressful life for a moment and enjoy a concert. You so deserve it. I hope you get back home soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. A x
So happy that in the midst of all you are going through that you were able to do something that you love!! You talk about self-care and boy you are a shining example!!! I hope it was great!!! xo
It is really hard.
Living with my mom was a bad idea. I started to think everything was my fault…that I was the difficult one.
Getting our own place was a good move.
Continuing to do fun things is important.
Yoga is saving my sanity.
Some days are really tough. It’s hard to live in uncertainty. I cry. But I keep remembering that grief is part of change, even change I never wanted to make.
yes…
i am so glad you’re not at your mom’s, so smart
and thank god for yoga, yes.
grief is so hard, even if you want to make a change it’s often a part of it, so this is just such a challenge. But the only way out is through…
you can do this xxoo
Glad you moved out. And when I read your thing about things being your fault I want to say something about the difference between guilt and shame (which you undoubtedly know but might, in contact with your mom, possibly forget). Guilt is about when you have done something wrong. Shame is about feeling wrong what so ever. Guilt is bio-logical, healthy and neccessary to set a basis for repairing things done wrong. Shame is bio-logical, healthy and neccessary to keep us from being cocky. So both these feelings have their bio-logical use.
However… if there ever was a trend in the family where you continuously felt ashamed of yourself, it is not unlikely that this is how people think things are ‘normal’ and normal in families is mainly a recipe for ‘how they should be’ and people will do A LOT to keep things ‘normal’. I call that nasty family dynamics. These dynamics are hard to move out off because un(?)consciously people tend to (back) to that place. I figured because this construction of how things should be is the way we teach offspring how things should be without spelling stuff out. And in a healthy family that works very well. It however works very well destructive in an unhealthy, shaming family.
When combining what you have written (months) before about your family dynamics and what you write now I would say you were not the difficult one, I would say you were the one who was (sub)consciously aware of the destructive patterns and protested against them. Obviously, when pre-teens, teens, young adults and adults do so they do that with the knowlegde they have in a way they have (subconsciously) been made to understand that protesting is functional. But non of any protest can be really functional because the founding of the understanding of how a healthy family works is not there. And this is how we carry over distunctional patterns again and again untill somebody puts a halt to them and says: I want my life to be different. I want life to be different, if not yet for the whole family, sisters, mothers and fathers included, then at least for me and my own family, here and now.
Well :-), that is YOU! YOU are doing a TREMENDOUS JOB! I can only imagine that for your kids, this immense change must be SO MUCH easier now you are aware and present. ❤
Wishing you a good dose of very healthy pride in you and in your accomplishments.
xx, Feeling
Thank you. That really reassures me. I know deep down it isn’t me…but those years of being ashamed of myself and forever trying to win approval that never really came resurfaced.
Plus, my mom brings out a mean side of me. I want to be mean to her. To hurt her. And that goes against my belief I compassion. It kind of shocks me when I can be like that….
It’s such a screwed up thing.
Yes. Getting away from her was for sure the right choice.
💖 Anne
Well, technically and it is ok to want to hurt somebody who hurts you. That is a very bio-logical way of setting boundaries. Wanting to lash out is very informative, it tells me that somebody has just stepped on something I hold dear. How to actually proceed with that want is another thing. 😉 Making sure it does not land you in jail = always good. 😀
Throw in some ethics and keep someone out without having to resort to verbal or physical violence would be a good next move. Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out. Unhealthy selfdestructive thoughts and toxic moms included. ;-).
I’m thinking it is only in the next level that you have to worry about compassion. Spiritually you could, if that is appropriate but some people learn more from just being told where the boundaries are, don’t waste the effort of compassion on them. Continuous shaming behaviour does NOT belong in a family. Shame is helpfull to bring cocky people back to reality so they don’t hurt others or themselves. That is about the ONLY real purpose. Children know that and rebel against being shamed. No matter how old you are, you are still her child and the myth (?) or ideal we all grew up with: ‘Moms are caring and loving’ is VERY BIG in us. Which is why being shamed will hurt us again and again and why we will want to lash out again and again. Or untill we let go of the myth that the mommy is nice and wholesome. So I guess the choice is to have an ideal and be pissed off or not have an ideal and be desillusioned and lonely for a while. ;-).
Hope that cheers you up a little? 😀 Well, that last sentence was an attempt at a joke, the rest I think is pretty solid reality.
One day I sat with my parents and I for myself answered the question: how would I feel about these persons if I were to meet them somewhere and then got to know them? Would I befriend them? If yes, why? If no, why? The answer was very, very clarifying. General hint to other readers: don’t go asking these questions when you still have to live with your parents. 😉
xx, Feeling
You rock! LOVE this picture! It is so good to “hear” your “voice” and to see your smile and know that even in the middle of all of this, you are still going, and you’re ok. Thanks for keeping up with the updates. Keep being your amazing self! You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
Sometimes people get so stuck in grief and grieving they think life can never be good again. Seeing and appreciating moments like this in the midst of turmoil allows you to believe life goes on and there is happiness still out there. Sending you hope and strength. p.s. I have NO IDEA who they are ha ha.
Hi Anne!
Speaking of moms I am at my mom’s house in Madison, Wis, helping her after she fell. She’s 91.
It’s been a challenge for sure.
I am so glad you are not at your mom’s anymore.
I am so hoping you will be able to go home soon.
xoxoxox
Wendy
Oh Anne, I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but so grateful that you are the strong and calm person that so many of us have leaned on. I hope you are home soon.
On another note, (me, me, me), after reading how yoga has helped you, I really want to try it, is there a beginner program on Youtube you would recommend? A friend once told me that I needed to learn from an instructor to do it correctly, but I am not one to go to workouts, or meetings or anything that says I have to be somewhere at a certain time-that is not a recipe for success for me, which is why I never tried AA. I much prefer to do things on my own. So, any suggestions?
ainsobriety 
Amazing strength resolve and resilience Anne – I trust everything is going well and you are finding sanctuary on the mat,
Namaste
Bren
Rock on Anne!! It’s great you can step out of stressful life for a moment and enjoy a concert. You so deserve it. I hope you get back home soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. A x
So great to see you smile! Thank you for sharing this with us!
So happy that in the midst of all you are going through that you were able to do something that you love!! You talk about self-care and boy you are a shining example!!! I hope it was great!!! xo
When I step back and focus on one day at a time I can cope so much better.
Life must go on. And it needs to be enjoyable.
Look at you guys! This pic put a smile on my face….Glad you’re having some fun and I hope things settle down for you soon.
yes…
so good to see your smile. I cannot imagine how hard all of this is on you…glad you got to rock!
It is really hard.
Living with my mom was a bad idea. I started to think everything was my fault…that I was the difficult one.
Getting our own place was a good move.
Continuing to do fun things is important.
Yoga is saving my sanity.
Some days are really tough. It’s hard to live in uncertainty. I cry. But I keep remembering that grief is part of change, even change I never wanted to make.
yes…
i am so glad you’re not at your mom’s, so smart
and thank god for yoga, yes.
grief is so hard, even if you want to make a change it’s often a part of it, so this is just such a challenge. But the only way out is through…
you can do this xxoo
Glad you moved out. And when I read your thing about things being your fault I want to say something about the difference between guilt and shame (which you undoubtedly know but might, in contact with your mom, possibly forget). Guilt is about when you have done something wrong. Shame is about feeling wrong what so ever. Guilt is bio-logical, healthy and neccessary to set a basis for repairing things done wrong. Shame is bio-logical, healthy and neccessary to keep us from being cocky. So both these feelings have their bio-logical use.
However… if there ever was a trend in the family where you continuously felt ashamed of yourself, it is not unlikely that this is how people think things are ‘normal’ and normal in families is mainly a recipe for ‘how they should be’ and people will do A LOT to keep things ‘normal’. I call that nasty family dynamics. These dynamics are hard to move out off because un(?)consciously people tend to (back) to that place. I figured because this construction of how things should be is the way we teach offspring how things should be without spelling stuff out. And in a healthy family that works very well. It however works very well destructive in an unhealthy, shaming family.
When combining what you have written (months) before about your family dynamics and what you write now I would say you were not the difficult one, I would say you were the one who was (sub)consciously aware of the destructive patterns and protested against them. Obviously, when pre-teens, teens, young adults and adults do so they do that with the knowlegde they have in a way they have (subconsciously) been made to understand that protesting is functional. But non of any protest can be really functional because the founding of the understanding of how a healthy family works is not there. And this is how we carry over distunctional patterns again and again untill somebody puts a halt to them and says: I want my life to be different. I want life to be different, if not yet for the whole family, sisters, mothers and fathers included, then at least for me and my own family, here and now.
Well :-), that is YOU! YOU are doing a TREMENDOUS JOB! I can only imagine that for your kids, this immense change must be SO MUCH easier now you are aware and present. ❤
Wishing you a good dose of very healthy pride in you and in your accomplishments.
xx, Feeling
Thank you. That really reassures me. I know deep down it isn’t me…but those years of being ashamed of myself and forever trying to win approval that never really came resurfaced.
Plus, my mom brings out a mean side of me. I want to be mean to her. To hurt her. And that goes against my belief I compassion. It kind of shocks me when I can be like that….
It’s such a screwed up thing.
Yes. Getting away from her was for sure the right choice.
💖 Anne
Well, technically and it is ok to want to hurt somebody who hurts you. That is a very bio-logical way of setting boundaries. Wanting to lash out is very informative, it tells me that somebody has just stepped on something I hold dear. How to actually proceed with that want is another thing. 😉 Making sure it does not land you in jail = always good. 😀
Throw in some ethics and keep someone out without having to resort to verbal or physical violence would be a good next move. Sobriety is all about what you take in and leave out. Unhealthy selfdestructive thoughts and toxic moms included. ;-).
I’m thinking it is only in the next level that you have to worry about compassion. Spiritually you could, if that is appropriate but some people learn more from just being told where the boundaries are, don’t waste the effort of compassion on them. Continuous shaming behaviour does NOT belong in a family. Shame is helpfull to bring cocky people back to reality so they don’t hurt others or themselves. That is about the ONLY real purpose. Children know that and rebel against being shamed. No matter how old you are, you are still her child and the myth (?) or ideal we all grew up with: ‘Moms are caring and loving’ is VERY BIG in us. Which is why being shamed will hurt us again and again and why we will want to lash out again and again. Or untill we let go of the myth that the mommy is nice and wholesome. So I guess the choice is to have an ideal and be pissed off or not have an ideal and be desillusioned and lonely for a while. ;-).
Hope that cheers you up a little? 😀 Well, that last sentence was an attempt at a joke, the rest I think is pretty solid reality.
One day I sat with my parents and I for myself answered the question: how would I feel about these persons if I were to meet them somewhere and then got to know them? Would I befriend them? If yes, why? If no, why? The answer was very, very clarifying. General hint to other readers: don’t go asking these questions when you still have to live with your parents. 😉
xx, Feeling
You rock! LOVE this picture! It is so good to “hear” your “voice” and to see your smile and know that even in the middle of all of this, you are still going, and you’re ok. Thanks for keeping up with the updates. Keep being your amazing self! You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
Sometimes people get so stuck in grief and grieving they think life can never be good again. Seeing and appreciating moments like this in the midst of turmoil allows you to believe life goes on and there is happiness still out there. Sending you hope and strength. p.s. I have NO IDEA who they are ha ha.
They are a Swedish Viking metal band,. Lol
They were fun
Yes. I love this. Glad you had a good night out!!! Rock on!! (is there a computer sign for the horns!? haha!!)
🤘close enough
Hi Anne!
Speaking of moms I am at my mom’s house in Madison, Wis, helping her after she fell. She’s 91.
It’s been a challenge for sure.
I am so glad you are not at your mom’s anymore.
I am so hoping you will be able to go home soon.
xoxoxox
Wendy
You rock. That is all. 🙂
Cool picture and great to see you smiling! xx
I heard today on the news that they are letting people back to your home town! I hope you are home soon!
Oh Anne, I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but so grateful that you are the strong and calm person that so many of us have leaned on. I hope you are home soon.
On another note, (me, me, me), after reading how yoga has helped you, I really want to try it, is there a beginner program on Youtube you would recommend? A friend once told me that I needed to learn from an instructor to do it correctly, but I am not one to go to workouts, or meetings or anything that says I have to be somewhere at a certain time-that is not a recipe for success for me, which is why I never tried AA. I much prefer to do things on my own. So, any suggestions?
Do you want yoga for fitness or for meditation? Both are important
For stillness go to yinyoga.com
Bernie Clark is awesome and you get the peace and stillness aspect.
For strength I really like Kino McGregor. I bought a series through an app called Cody, but she had free stuff too.
Otherwise find a yoga studio and just go to whatever fits your time
Drop in. Experiment !