Two years!

Today is my two year sober anniversary!

It has been two whole years since I last woke up full of fear, loathing and disappointment. Unable to understand my own behaviour.Unable to trust myself. Having no love or self compassion, only self hatred and anger. Another self declared day one after a million day ones.

Why it has taken this time, I cannot say. What I do know is I stopped planning to quit drinking and actually quit. I called a therapist and asked for help. I cleared the booze out of the house. I told my husband I was suffering. I told my friends I was giving myself an early birthday gift-a year of non drinking.

Back then I knew nothing about recovery. I just wanted to stop the compulsion. To not wake up feeling ill. To find a way to turn off the self depreciating rant in my head that constantly told me I wasn’t doing enough, smart enough, worthy.

I stared with abstaining. And therapy. And Brene brown’s gifts of imperfection art journal class. I dealt with severe depression that made itself apparent without the alcohol. I too, it easy.

I also found yoga. YOGAS CITTA VRITTI NIRODAH

yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind. Amazing. And it actually does exactly that. Over the past two years my thoughts have gone from a whirlpool of hatred and anxiety, to happy, peaceful and content.

Early on I wrote a poem. I am definitely not a poet, but this is exactly how I felt, and continue to feel.

This body

This body forgets it’s divinity

and slowly turns from the light.

It gently sinks

into the darkness of sleep.

cold. Alone.

life continues. Grey and black and empty.

One day a familiar sound breaks through the veil.

A memory of light.

A memory of hope.

The eyes open to a recollection of joy!

this body is awake. And from its memory grace shines through.

Looking back I truly believe I slowly lulled myself into the complacency of thinking alcohol was actually helping me cope with life. When the truth was it was casting such a pall over my own light that I couldn’t see beyond myself.

In the past two years I have attended AA, I blog, I use therapy, I meet sober people, both in real life and online, I practice yoga, I read, I learned reiki, I meditate, I take medication for depression, I eat well, I enjoy treats, I sleep whenever possible, I let go, I voice my needs, even when it’s hard.

All that is much better than I deal with life by crying into my wineglass on the couch because things aren’t fair.

Being part of this online community has been life changing. Each of your stories helps me. I deeply believe In Love and compassion. It was the only thing that worked for me, after years of rules, self flaggelation and accountability? We all need to be wrapped up in a warm blanket and held. Every single one of us deserves that.

Thank you for your support. I hold my sobriety very precious. I am proud to be in recovery and if my story can help even one person by sharing it I am honoured.

Stillness and peace

Anne

Advertisements

53 thoughts on “Two years!

  1. Dear Anne,
    Congratulations on 2 years!
    I too believe we all need to be wrapped up in a warm blanket and held.
    You are an inspiration to so many people!!
    Much Love,
    Wendy

  2. Hi Anne. Congrats on two years! I remember you not quite 2 years ago, leaving lovely supportive comments on my blog, You helped me through some dark times there. (It took me over a year to realize “Anne S” and “Ainsobriety” were the same person!) I love your poem, and your realization about coming back to life via the life of the body. It’s lovely to read, and to hear how mush you have learned and grown in two years. Wendy is right, you’re such an inspiration. Big hug to you! xo

  3. Congratulations on your tremendous milestone! You are a source of inspiration and hope for me. Your writings are a reminder to me to turn back to the light again every time I start to slip back toward complacency, toward being overly self-critical, judgmental, and negative. You remind me that there is a better way, a way marked by love, hope, peacefulness, and patience.

    It’s still pretty hard for me to live that way consistently. Your poem speaks volumes. I find myself needing a gentle reminder again and again, telling myself, “This time it is sure to stick,” only to realize two months later that I am somehow once more a little too close to my old patterns of thinking, my old ways of rule-making, than I would like to be. It’s so hard to not be hard on myself!

    I always find stillness and peace in your posts. Congratulations again!

  4. Hi Anne, congrats on 2 years!!!! I am so happy for you. You have definitely played big part in my sobriety journey, I love reading your posts and your comments on mine, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Noddy X

  5. You are always the first with a kind, positive and supportive word. Thank you for being here for all of us who aspire to be where you are – and wonderful work on recovery. You rock!

  6. Well done Anne… Wonderful words.
    Thank you for your wise words, today and all days.
    You are a wise woman
    With love xx Claire

  7. Congratulations Anne! 2 years is fantastic. Thank you for all your support throughout my sobriety journey. Your kind and wise words are always a help to me and I really appreciate your support. I truly hope that one day I will be as at peace as you are. You are my inspiration! A x

  8. Congratulations Anne. Loved your poem, thanks so much for sharing your insight…your post gave me goosebumps… very moving and inspirational. Enjoy your day!

  9. Two years! It’s huge. Congratulations. Thank you for the support you provide. And help, and guidence. And most importantly, inspiration.

  10. wonderful to read, Anne, thank you. and important too I think around anniversaries to look back with clear eyes at where we came from. so glad we are on the sunny side of the street now! thank you for your presence and wisdom here, which is always greatly valued. Prim xx

  11. Huge congratulations on two years!!! Isn’t it funny how when we stop running away from ourselves with alcohol that we finally discover who we really are?

    Enjoy your time and treat yourself well.

    Sherry

  12. Ah you’re so wonderful Anne. Such a lovely, inspiring and encouraging part of this community. Thank you for all your words and your support and just for virtually sitting here with me and holding my hand. Congratulations on 2 years, and thank you so much for sharing what has helped you along the way. ❤

  13. Yeah! I am coming up on 24 months too.

    I just joined a yoga studio. Do you have a recommendation for a nice mat for more regular use? I have an old one that needs replacement. Thanks Anne.

    1. Yay!
      I have both a Manduka mat and a jade mat. I like the Maduka one better. It has stood up to daily abuse in all forms of yoga, and I don’t clean it much.
      I have the pro. It’s bigger, but I like my space.
      It is worth the investment!

  14. Thank you for this lovely post this morning. I have started this sober journey…once again. I hope one day to be where you are. Thanks for your inspiration.

  15. A very belated, but still full of love, happy anniversary. Sober for a third set of holidays. I’m always inspired by people who got sober before the 25th. LOL. Glad to know you and journey with you. Lis

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s