Today is my two year sober anniversary!
It has been two whole years since I last woke up full of fear, loathing and disappointment. Unable to understand my own behaviour.Unable to trust myself. Having no love or self compassion, only self hatred and anger. Another self declared day one after a million day ones.
Why it has taken this time, I cannot say. What I do know is I stopped planning to quit drinking and actually quit. I called a therapist and asked for help. I cleared the booze out of the house. I told my husband I was suffering. I told my friends I was giving myself an early birthday gift-a year of non drinking.
Back then I knew nothing about recovery. I just wanted to stop the compulsion. To not wake up feeling ill. To find a way to turn off the self depreciating rant in my head that constantly told me I wasn’t doing enough, smart enough, worthy.
I stared with abstaining. And therapy. And Brene brown’s gifts of imperfection art journal class. I dealt with severe depression that made itself apparent without the alcohol. I too, it easy.
I also found yoga. YOGAS CITTA VRITTI NIRODAH
yoga is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind. Amazing. And it actually does exactly that. Over the past two years my thoughts have gone from a whirlpool of hatred and anxiety, to happy, peaceful and content.
Early on I wrote a poem. I am definitely not a poet, but this is exactly how I felt, and continue to feel.
This body forgets it’s divinity
and slowly turns from the light.
It gently sinks
into the darkness of sleep.
life continues. Grey and black and empty.
One day a familiar sound breaks through the veil.
A memory of light.
A memory of hope.
The eyes open to a recollection of joy!
this body is awake. And from its memory grace shines through.
Looking back I truly believe I slowly lulled myself into the complacency of thinking alcohol was actually helping me cope with life. When the truth was it was casting such a pall over my own light that I couldn’t see beyond myself.
In the past two years I have attended AA, I blog, I use therapy, I meet sober people, both in real life and online, I practice yoga, I read, I learned reiki, I meditate, I take medication for depression, I eat well, I enjoy treats, I sleep whenever possible, I let go, I voice my needs, even when it’s hard.
All that is much better than I deal with life by crying into my wineglass on the couch because things aren’t fair.
Being part of this online community has been life changing. Each of your stories helps me. I deeply believe In Love and compassion. It was the only thing that worked for me, after years of rules, self flaggelation and accountability? We all need to be wrapped up in a warm blanket and held. Every single one of us deserves that.
Thank you for your support. I hold my sobriety very precious. I am proud to be in recovery and if my story can help even one person by sharing it I am honoured.
Stillness and peace