Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.
It turns out that a little extra medication, some more vitamin D and some love from all areas of my life truly have made a difference.
Things feel so much better. My outlook is brighter. Not crazy bright, but I am able to remember that the waves of sadness or despair will pass. That is big for me. When I last posted I was feeling like I was trapped in the wave and that it wouldn’t end. That is a really scary place to be.
As always, it seems telling others how I feel, even if it is unpleasant, helps. When I told my husband I was feeling like I might hurt myself, he told me not to do it until we got our will made. It made me laugh. And it took some of the power away from something I might have otherwise tried to hide, thinking it was a sign of weakness.
Brene brown talks of being vulnerable and authentic. I see no other way to be anymore. Allowing my real face to show means I accept myself. Most of my dis ease comes when I start looking for others to validate or accept me because I don’t. Realizing this has helped me move forward again. When I give up my power to others I erode my self confidence.
Unconditional self acceptable. Being at peace with my beliefs. Trusting and having faith in myself. These are my aspirations. The rest follows from that.
The love I feel here really comforted me. I deeply appreciate it and hope I can return it to all of you whenever it’s needed.
I know love is the most Powerful force. I know sobriety has brought me huge benefits and self awareness. That the darkness of addiction and depression have created within me true compassion and empathy, and I know sharing with others and helping whenever I can is the way to freedom.
Stillness and peace
Anne
ainsobriety 
I am so moved to hear that you are finding comfort. Thank you for the reminder of how freeing it truly is to be vulnerable and authentic…Anne, I hope you show yourself the care, compassion and love that you show us…you are always and inspiration to me. Thank you for being here. I feel better knowing that you feel better.
Jenn
So glad you are in a better place. Sometimes the darkness just happens, doesn’t it? Learning those skills and what you need when that happens is huge. Sounds like your husband gave you some perspective, which you’re internalizing. Fantastic.
Hi Anne!
Reading this post, I felt so happy that you are in a better place! I am truly glad for you! I am also so grateful for your very well-timed reminders of the way I want to love, to connect, and to live my own life. I’m struggling with authenticity and wholeheartedness, and I really needed that today.
Laura
Thank you for sharing. I am glad brighter days are here for you.
So glad you are feeling better 🙂 x
I found you post to be very moving. Yes, it seems like the darkness is always there around the edges, and sometimes it finds its way in closer. But there is so much light out there, too (both within and without). Sometimes I realize I just have to find a way to let it in. Talking to someone who cares is a great way to start.
🙂 ❤ I am happy you are in a better place. ❤ 🙂
xx, Feeling
I’m so happy that you are feeling better. Please know that you are helping me so much in my recovery. Noddy X
that darkness can be very insistent. being able to see it approaching, not to flee or to fling oneself to the ground and let it swamp us, is one of the hardest lessons. I am glad you reached out and found comfort and support from your husband and online, and very glad that the blue skies are appearing from behind the clouds again.
Yes. I am being very careful. Sleep is vital. And eating. When I start skipping meals I know things are shaky.
The more honest I am the less I have to hide.
It’s so true about honesty. I am finding that sometimes I am surprised to discover that I am not being entirely honest with myself – telling myself everything is great when it’s not. The hardest is to be honest with myself when I’ve made a mistake. Personal honesty, not hiding from myself, is essential to my growth… It’s definitely something I’m struggling with right now. Have you heard the saying, “invite your demons for tea and cake?” I think I need to throw a tea party for my demons.
Yeah. I know when I’m not being honest with myself-those are the thoughts that wake me up in the night.
Thank you for writing this Anne, I can relate to it and it’s great to see it down in black and white. You’re an inspriation! x Mtts
Glad to hear you’re feeling better Anne,
Hi Anne!
I am so, so glad you are feeling better!
I kept thinking about you when I’d see you comment, and I was hoping you were doing okay.
I wish you a peaceful evening.
xoxoxo
Wendy
Hi Anne,
You DO return the love. All the time. I see it everywhere in this space. Your post resonates with me so very deeply. I just had a similar conversation with one of my closest friends last night, about giving my power away. That I so readily subject my own needs (especially in the area of sobriety), for something I I-M-A-G-I-N-E somebody else wants (not even what they might need, but what they MIGHT only want…). Anyway, I digress…
I think it’s also really interesting that I wrote about giving up my armor today. I agree, there is no other way except the authentic way. I love that you were honest with your husband and he was able to diffuse your dark thinking with humor. That’s the best!
I’m really happy you’re able to see that “This too, shall pass…” I’ve been in the dark recently too and I know how awful it feels to really believe that there’s no way out, that it will never end.
Sending you a big hug and a big thank you for not putting on any armor here, for being vulnerable and honest and willing to live through your feelings.
❤
D
So glad to hear you’re feeling better. Thx for your sharing; you’ve given me a lot to think about in regards to accepting ‘vulnerability’…
I am so glad that brighter days are on horizon. I was wondering about you. Let’s hope that from here the darkness will recede farther away. Let’s hope that the light won’t dim.
Glad to know there is Hope and Humor in your world. I am sorry it is a struggle right now. It’s always okay to be right where you are – wherever and whatever shape that might be. You’ve seen so many iterations of all of us here – know that we are grateful to you and your words every day. You are dear to us.* -HM.
The fact that you could laugh with your husband rather than feeling wounded or resentful (when my addictive voice was my interpreter I felt hurt by comments that didn’t follow the script in my head) shows how far you’ve come in your recovery. It takes a lot of self love to be vulnerable and laugh (authentically) at the same time. Thank you for sharing this difficult chapter with us and demonstrating resiliency in action. Mad respect for you, my friend.