A lesson I keep having to learn

well, there are lots of lessons I expect I will have to learn over and over, but my biggest one is that I don’t have to do everything TODAY. And 

Last Friday I taught 3 yoga classes. Why? Because I love it and when the opportunity to sub 2 classes came up I said yes.

Class one went well. Class 2 went ok. It was in the hot room. I hadn’t eaten before, and I was tired, but it was a fairly calm yin class and I enjoyed it.

Class 3 I fell apart. Another hot class, but this time hot flow. I started the class, hungry and tired. My anxiety kicked in. And, because it is my fall back position, I started doing the class as I led. Which is unbelievably tiring.

As I got more freaked out I went faster and faster. I finished my planned flow and only half the class had passed. Ahhhhhh. I wanted to cry. Or go into savasana. But I managed to get us through the last half hour. It was incredibly hard. 

I left the studio completely drained. Disappointed in myself, in a spiral of hunger, tiredness and extreme anxiety. A dangerous place for a person in recovery. For anyone. Could see how any small setback in those moments might have led me to drink. Or to other self destructive behaviour. Scary.

When I got home my husband hugged me and said if I was going to do this to myself I shouldn’t teach yoga. Dinner, a warm bath and early bed kept me together.

The next morning I woke up and realized I am expecting myself to jump into teaching all these different types of yoga without help. And that I am saying yes to teaching because I’m somewhat trying to prove I can do it all.

So I went to the studio and observed my favourite teacher lead a class. From off the mat. Not doing any more than demonstarting. Able to assist others, read the class. Breathing calmly. Taking pauses.

So, Sunday morning, I did just that. And it was beautiful. 

Asking for help. Not taking on more than I should. Respecting my personal limitations, for my own physical health and mental wellbeing. Eating regularly. All thing I know help make life easier. 

Life is not a contest to see who can drive themselves harder or further. I tried things that way before, and it really never worked well for me.

Lesson learned. Again. Hopefully I can remember this one! At least for a while.

So, for those of you in early recovery, or even a bit further along, look at your plans for the week. Are they supportive? Balanced? 

If not, maybe my little breakdown can be a warning. Protect yourself first.

Stillness and peace

Anne