well, there are lots of lessons I expect I will have to learn over and over, but my biggest one is that I don’t have to do everything TODAY. And
Last Friday I taught 3 yoga classes. Why? Because I love it and when the opportunity to sub 2 classes came up I said yes.
Class one went well. Class 2 went ok. It was in the hot room. I hadn’t eaten before, and I was tired, but it was a fairly calm yin class and I enjoyed it.
Class 3 I fell apart. Another hot class, but this time hot flow. I started the class, hungry and tired. My anxiety kicked in. And, because it is my fall back position, I started doing the class as I led. Which is unbelievably tiring.
As I got more freaked out I went faster and faster. I finished my planned flow and only half the class had passed. Ahhhhhh. I wanted to cry. Or go into savasana. But I managed to get us through the last half hour. It was incredibly hard.
I left the studio completely drained. Disappointed in myself, in a spiral of hunger, tiredness and extreme anxiety. A dangerous place for a person in recovery. For anyone. Could see how any small setback in those moments might have led me to drink. Or to other self destructive behaviour. Scary.
When I got home my husband hugged me and said if I was going to do this to myself I shouldn’t teach yoga. Dinner, a warm bath and early bed kept me together.
The next morning I woke up and realized I am expecting myself to jump into teaching all these different types of yoga without help. And that I am saying yes to teaching because I’m somewhat trying to prove I can do it all.
So I went to the studio and observed my favourite teacher lead a class. From off the mat. Not doing any more than demonstarting. Able to assist others, read the class. Breathing calmly. Taking pauses.
So, Sunday morning, I did just that. And it was beautiful.
Asking for help. Not taking on more than I should. Respecting my personal limitations, for my own physical health and mental wellbeing. Eating regularly. All thing I know help make life easier.
Life is not a contest to see who can drive themselves harder or further. I tried things that way before, and it really never worked well for me.
Lesson learned. Again. Hopefully I can remember this one! At least for a while.
So, for those of you in early recovery, or even a bit further along, look at your plans for the week. Are they supportive? Balanced?
If not, maybe my little breakdown can be a warning. Protect yourself first.
Stillness and peace
10 thoughts on “A lesson I keep having to learn”
i totally hear you! well done for having the presence of Mind to understand and realise what was going on for you and rectifying. and what a darling supportive hubs you have!
The good thing about Craig is he is honest. At one point I was all, I’m ok, I’m tough. I can do all this and more.
He helps me pull back from that ego thinking.
This post is great timing Ann because I noticed that I’ve somewhat overbooked myself in a couple of weeks and was wondering whether to pull out of some stuff and ease up. This is the sign that I should so thank you! 🙂 xx
I still fight with myself that I SHOULD be the crazy, do everything person I was.
Now, though I am learning to add more people to my days, but keeping it balanced is key.
I am learning to ask, what do I need in my life right now?
Isn’t that funny? To feel like we should be stressed and strung out?
No. I don’t want that anymore.
I like that. What do I need. I will remember that!
I love that too Wendy. What do I need right now? Anne, I love how you fixed the problem, watching another teacher. You wouldn’t have learned this lesson without the third class meltdown. You are a better teacher now because of it. Lori
Anne – balance is a tricky one for me. I have to be very organised and plan my time as given the chance i will always I overload and say yes to everyone. Trying to prove my worth – wanting love
A great price of writing, thank you
Yes. Trying to prove my worth has definitely crept into my thinking.
Brilliant message Anne. Truly.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. We are never at our best when we try to do too much on an empty tank. Lesson learned for me too, over and over until I get it right and sometimes a few more times after that. 🙂