i see thoughts of moderation everywhere. The thought that perhaps things will be better now. That a break has somehow fixed the behaviour that got us writing a sober blog in the first place. That by acknowledging our mental health/personal problems/stressful life we have solved the causes of our drinking and can consider moderation.
It makes me sad. Sad because I see so many bloggers who come and go. Who get some sobriety and then go back to drinking. And their voice of hope and peace disappears.
I had these thoughts. Once I resolved my severe depression I wondered if perhaps drinking was solely self medicating. A way to get through the deep lows and to dull that inner voice of anxiety. And perhaps it was.
But the possibility that I would go back to it and feel even a fraction of the self loathing and remorse I had is too scary.
I am inclined to obsessive compulsive behaviour. When I find a hobby I am all in, until my interest wanes. Or, more normally, my interest moves on and I get excited about something new. So I still enjoy the first hobby, but time doesn’t allow for it any more.
And control. I like control. It takes every ounce of my being to not jump in and take over sometimes. Yo let the kids sort out their arguments. To not try to fix my husbands bad day.
No. I have made peace with the fact that drinking only took from my life in the end. It was not bringing pleasure. The fun times of Friday night bar hopping are long past. A 40 something bar fly is not a pretty sight.
I have a deep sense of contentment and it shows. Even my furrowed brow has smoothed. I look younger and so much more relaxed.
Still. Another fear occasionally pops up. That is the fear Of myself. Some days I wish I could just let everything go and be taken care of. To be the one who goes away to treatment. Who is able to take the role of victim. To be weak. The one Who gets help. Not the one who hold things together. Who puts up a good front.
This “hard done by” thinking scares me a bit. Because I know help would come to me if I need it. Because others do support me. Because I am not doing things alone.
Because being strong, or at least willing, is something I take pride in.
I guess I am scared of having personal pride. Of my own success with sobriety. But perhaps that is necessary, as it is a precious thing that I can’t take for granted. I’m not sure about this.
So my best plan is to continue to set myself up for success. Eat regularly, with treats sprinkled in. Sleep well. Support my mental health. Yoga. Be of service to others where I can. Continue my morning routine of thank you thank you thank you. Because my life is beautiful.
And I am going on a recovery retreat next week. Not a training course. Not a spa. A place to let myself rest and just be. I think I need it.
Stillness and peace