As I left work yesterday, happy to head home, eat the dinner I prepped on Sunday and teach yoga, I realized I felt light. Ready to take on whatever came. I felt able to do all the things required of me. Without second guessing or questioning myself.
I had to pause to even understand what I was feeling. Being unsure of myself, even after years of reasonable success at many endeavors, has been a common theme for me. That uncertainty breeds feelings of worthlessness and, I suppose, imposter syndrome (there is a great Bubble Hour on this. Google it). I have often felt like a fraud. Like I was just pretending. And with that was the fear that some day I would be found out. So I built my amour to protect myself from criticism and shame.
Yesterday it took me a while to understand this new feeling. In the end, I decided I feel competent. I know, in my heart, that I am a good employee. I am smart, I have worked in this industry for 19 years. I have 3 degrees. I know my stuff.
And I am a good yoga teacher. I love what I teach. I feel comfortable in front of the class. Sharing this love brings me joy. Plus, I am willing to try. If you don’t try, you will never succeed.
Recognizing my own competence sounds minor, but it is a huge leap for me. I feel like I have struggled to find pride in myself. When I have tried to, I heard that little voice saying – don’t be so full of yourself. Don’t draw attention to yourself – you will just get hurt. Who do you think you are?
That voice was gone yesterday. It was just me realizing that whatever I do, however it turns out, I know I have acted from a place of love and honesty. And my efforts deserve recognition from me. I am not undermining my success. I am embracing my opportunities and celebrating.
As an aside – I have volunteered to teach yoga at the new local recovery centre. Saturday was my fist class. It was small, but some of the clients and staff from the facility came and they have asked me to come back weekly. I started the class by telling them that I have been sober for 18 months. I got a little cheer. And suddenly the few men who were there for treatment looked at me differently. Like perhaps I could help. It warmed my heart. Perhaps I can.
Stillness and peace.