I am no way an expert here. I am online blogging because after many years of trying to fix myself with diets, exercise, self help books and self criticism, I came to realize booze was a big factor in my personal unhappiness. So I chose to walk down the road of recovery and here I am. I just feel like I need to comment on moderation and me. And perhaps some of you will see yourselves in my experience.
In the past while a number of sober bloggers have decided to return to drinking. That’s completely fine, and their prerogative. My personal response is to unfollow them. I say a prayer for them, that this turns out to be a good decision for them, but I can’t read about it.
I am not referring to someone who struggling to get sober and has many day 1s, that is completely different. They are still suffering in the horrible cycle of addiction that I was once caught in and I am here in any way to help them through that. If I could make a difference for even one person who wants to escape that hell, I am humbled to the core of my heart.
But bloggers who decide after a sober period that they have found sufficient mindfulness, self control or insight that they can control their drinking, that is different. Reading about this is triggering for me. It somehow makes me feel that I am doing this wrong. That moderation is a rational possibility. And I don’t think it is, for me anyway. Why would I want to give up the life of freedom and possibilities that I have rediscovered, only to drown it in booze??? No. Not for me.
A normal (if that word even means anything) drinker does not feel the need to write a sober blog. They do not wake up every Monday morning swearing next weekend will be different. They do not hide booze, hide empty bottles or lie about being busy to stay in and drink on the couch. They don’t even think about taking a 30 day alcohol free challenge, but if they do, they make it. Easily.
Perhaps having a “high bottom” leads some of us to question our true drinking abilities. I never lost a job, never had financial, legal or family problems as the result of drinking. I am a well dressed, fit, upper middle class, professional, mom. But inside I was filled with compulsion and shame that stemmed from my alcohol abuse. Abuse that mainly took place on the weekend, under the guise of weekend “relaxing”.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I can say pretty confidently that these predated my drinking, and that they were serious contributing factors to my dependence on alcohol. I deal with these two issues – with yoga, diet, meditation and medication. I have a good therapist who leads me down the “saner” path. I feel good. Stable. Clear headed.
Does this mean I can now drink? The underlying problems are being addressed…
For me, again, the answer is no. I have worked hard to get myself to a place where life is worth living. Where I am excited to wake up in the morning because the possibilities are endless. I will not risk this to try moderation. Plus, I never really wanted one drink. I wanted to get drunk and turn off my brain. That is the definition of non moderation.
So – if you are sober and the idea of moderating comes up, ask yourself what you might lose.
Stillness and peace