Yesterday Unpickled posted a blog post that made me stop and think. (must learn to link to other blogs).
In it she mentions trying an activity called “Best Possible Self”. The general idea is that you just write down what your future would look like if you realized all your dreams.
My immediate though was Now. My life is just how I would have imagined in a couple of years ago. I am sober. My family life is fun and fulfilling. I like my job and have found a new joy in yoga. I have stopped starving and excessively exercising. I no longer hate myself. In fact, I look in the mirror every morning and tell myself – I love and accept you. And I smile because I really mean it. I feel good in my body and my mind is at peace. I am generally happy and deeply grateful for all I have.
BUT, the idea of looking forward makes me uncomfortable. It feels like it is a criticism of me today. I KNOW that isn’t the point of this exercise. So why do I feel that way????
In trying to figure this out I have had a few thoughts. One being that I am very careful with myself. I try not to put rules or expectations in place that might push me into self destructive behaviours. I still have a lot of fear that those behaviours, that I clung to for so long, are still in there. I struggle with trusting myself enough to do what is best for me. I still feel fragile.
It seems like I am still in the “being” phase, if there is such a thing. I am appreciating today for what it is. And when I have ideas for future plans I am trying to only actually make them if they seem to be supportive of me today. For example, I am going to see Wayne Dyer with some friends in May. This is a chance for some girl time and an opportunity to listen to some inspiring people. A positive plan.
One plan I did not go through with is to go to 12 step yoga training. I want to, and am interested in learning more about this, but I have stepped back from training to do more or to learn more, to allow focus on enjoying what I am doing now. I don’t want to make my life change into a job. Not yet, anyway.
Sigh. I think I am looking for approval to be me. And acceptance that becoming a better me doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me today, just that we always have opportunities to grow. Self awareness is hard.
Stillness and peace.