Thank you to all of you for your comments on my last post. My anxiety has quieted down, I am not sure if it is time or 5 days back on my original medication or both. Whatever it is, I am feeling much more grounded.
Perhaps a blip like this is good for me. I am reminded that I need to take care of myself. That I am not cured. That I was drinking because I wasn’t dealing with my life problems, I was numbing them. I feel like I am learning so much this year. So I am choosing to look at this as a learning experience. And a reminder to myself that for every time I try to convince someone else to be kind and gentle with themselves that I will remember to be that way to myself too. Love is the only answer.
A couple weeks ago I visited my new nephew in England. My sister and her family have lived there for years. She has a 3 year old daughter as well. The new baby is a huge joy, and I was really glad I took the opportunity to go over to see them.
Growing up sister and I didn’t get along well. We are quite different. And, for me, insecurity and anxiety has often prompted me to spend time alone, refusing to admit that I want to be with the crowd. Maybe out of fear of rejection? Social anxiety? Whatever it was, I spent a lot of time alone growing up. My sister was always social, always in the middle of the crowd. Always comfortable in her own skin and sure of herself, or so it seemed to me. I was definitely jealous…
This visit we were both so much more open with our struggles. I have made huge changes in my life. I have found the comfortable peace of mind that I have always wanted. It’s definitely still a work in progress, but I felt I was able to talk honestly without needing to hide my struggles and my fears. It is powerful to be able to share your thoughts with someone this close to you. And to have them respond with true love and concern. Maybe I have been scared she wouldn’t love me. Never loved me? For years I felt I couldn’t love myself and was sure no one else could either.
Whatever I had feared, that was not the case. She loves me unconditionally, as I love her. I can’t begin to explain how deeply relieving this is.
Having 2 small children is HARD. My kids are bigger now, but I remember the bone deep tiredness, the fears of doing the right thing, the loss of your self in the needs of my family. She is doing a great job. But it is a hard time. I wish she lived closer. But I know she will find her way and I am here to help her any way I can.
I have a little piece of paper in my wallet that I got at a drop in yoga class one day. It says, “you are on the right path”. I know I am.
Stillness and peace