I was thinking today….what are we looking for when we are here blogging? Opening our thoughts to the world?
Do we want unconditional support? Hard love? Truth? Exeprience? A magic solution to addiction? If only I had one…
Perhaps it’s all of the above.
I try to bring to my blog a sense of deep wonder and joy for the changes my life has gone through this year. 2013 was a dark time. I knew I needed to quit drinking, but I could not find a way to do it. I had know for years I probably drank too much, but in that last year it was the knowledge that my actions had crossed into compulsion, that I desperately wanted to be free of alcohol but couldn’t, that frightened me. Because I had ALWAYS been successful in the past when I wanted something.
I searched for help in various forms. I never really considered myself an alcoholic, I thought I had just developed some bad habits and needed to find a way to replace them with good ones. After all, I worked out every day, I had a high pressure job. I was functioning. I looked good on the outside.
I joined an online fitness coaching program, and I made very small pleas for help. I thought I wanted tough love. For someone to tell me exactly what to do and when. But my coach wasn’t one to carry a big stick. She encouraged me to look at my behaviours and try to see what was causing them, to understand why I did thing the way I did, to be kinder and gentler with myself.
The truth is I wasn’t completely honest with her. I never told her I was addicted to alcohol. I didn’t even understand it myself. I never really explained the deep seated self-hatred and loathing that came with my failures to stick with my plans to quit. I downplayed how much I drank.
So she gave me the kinder, gentler path. And I continued to drink. Waiting for the right time to quit. When there were no parties, holidays, birthdays, excuses.
Over the year of coaching I did develop some pretty important self-awareness skills that have been unbelievably valuable this year. I also gained confidence in myself, so that when an opportunity to quit suddenly arose I took the leap of faith and grabbed it. And I have been holding on for dear life ever since.
My first few months were filled with uncertainty, anxiety, deep depression and fear. But somehow I knew that alcohol had caused a lot of those things, and that whatever happened, however broken I felt, drinking would not fix it.
Time did. Time and openness to change. Asking for help. Listening to others. Finding people who had similar stories to me and learning from them. Honesty. Love.
Life is a beautiful thing now. I am no longer trying to fix broken me. I am whole. And growing, learning and filled with wonder every day.
My natural personality is to be fairly blunt. I can be bossy and like to think I am right. I admit it. I am working on these things….Especially as I become more gentle with myself.
So – what are we looking for in blogging? I am not sure. We all want to be happy, free and sober. So when I comment on other blogs I try really hard to think what would I want to hear? Regardless, I am trying to speak from my heart. To offer support in a time of fear and uncertainty. To give a glimpse of one story, that has so far turned out well. Mine.
Have a wonderful, sober Wednesday.