Dreaming….

I had a drinking dream last night. We were having a party and the wine was flowing and along the way I decided one glass wouldn’t hurt…which turned into many glasses, shots, etc.
I woke up in the dream and thought…I don’t have to tell anyone. I can still celebrate my year at AA in December. I got out of bed and went to the kitchen, full of bottles, and drank again.
I woke up this morning panicked. Was it real….did I drink…??? The relief that it was s dream was overwhelming. Because in the dream I was filled with shame, anxiety and compulsion. Immediately. And I could see that one night would never be it for me. It would just be a return to self-destructive drinking.

I’m thankful for these dreams, even if they do freak me out. Recent days have has a lot of talk about relapse in the sober sphere. The bubble hour had an excellent show a week ago on it. It reminds me that sobriety provides an avenue for self discovery, and that I need to cherish that journey. It deserves time, energy and care. Because it is a fragile thing.

If you have relapsed, or are thinking about drinking, check out the Bubble hour show. The journey is never over. There is no shame is picking yourself up and trying again. I know I did that MANY times before the last time.

Anne

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8 thoughts on “Dreaming….

  1. I feel for you, Anne! The drinking dreams are incredibly lucid, aren’t they? When you finally wake up, you have to spend a good 5 minutes convincing yourself that it didn’t happen. What a huge relief when you finally realize it didn’t actually happen.

    I found this week’s Bubble Hour to be incredibly powerful. I wish I could Fed Ex a big box of hugs to Ellie’s house. None of us are relapse-proof. Her story drives home the importance of putting your sobriety in front of everything else.

  2. I have not had a drinking dream yet, but I certainly am having drinking thoughts lately…I definitely will be listening to that bubble hour. Thanks Anne:)

  3. Hi Anne, wow that seems like a powerful dream! Such sweet relief to realize it wasn’t real…and yes, gives you a sense of fragility. I agree with you that dreams are a gift from our consciousness, allowing us to see what it would be like if we made that choice. This really woke me up in a way, reminding me how I would feel if I decided to drink again. It would be the first of many, and it would just start that self-destructive cycle of thinking and behavior all over again. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Anne I woke up on Sunday in a storm and was berating myself for the banging in my head. Turned out it was the gate, I was not hungover, but my first reaction was to berate myself and blame my drinking. I can’t control storms but I can control me, slowly. Thank you for sharing.

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