I read Oh for the love of…me’s post today and it reminded me of my own “epiphany”. So I thought I would share.
All of 2013 I planned to quit drinking. I felt it was impacting my fitness, my diet and more importantly, my weekends. I would swear I was going on the wagon, only to fall off. It never occurred to me that I was an alcoholic. Or that I was addicted to alcohol. I had a great job. I worked out every day. I volunteered and dressed well and took my kids places. I just drank too much wine sometimes.
Events conspired in December to give me the opportunity I needed to quit drinking. Thus started my white knuckled grip on sobriety. I emptied the house of booze, told everyone I was giving up drinking for my 42nd birthday and that was that.
I immediately felt relief. Relief I had finally followed through with something I had been planning and thinking about for a long time. I was free.
But life was EXTREMELY chaotic. Apparently I had pretty severe anxiety and depression that I had been drowning in booze. Both became overwhelming. But I stayed the course of sobriety because I could see that there might be some relief if I just stayed away from the booze. I was doing it alone. No support, expect my therapist. No blogging world. No AA.
I was adamant that this was just a bad habit. I wasn’t an alcoholic. I would just not drink. Things would be better.
Then I read Caroline Knapp’s book Drinking:A Love Story. My eyes opened and I fell apart.
Here was me. Trying to do things my way. Always relying on myself. Starving myself, drinking, self destructive. Desperately waiting for someone to notice I needed help. But covering it up so well no one ever did.
That book changee my life. Instead of just not drinking I chose to recover. I found Unpickled and emailed her. She led me to a bigger sober community. I went to an AA meeting. I stopped trying to prove how I wasn’t an alcoholic and decided I would be open minded. To try it all. Therapy, medication, AA, online, blogging, Buddhism, church, yoga. Anything and everything.
Recovery is beautiful thing. It is a chance to regain myself. An opportunity to have true and deep happiness. To live.
I tell my story here because maybe someone else will hear their own story in mine.