Motherhood

I started writing my post on motherhood, shame and the emotional impact my drinking had on my children.

I see both good and bad. It is really hard to write. I can pull out depression as a reason for some of my personal ups and downs, but alcohol played a big role in me being unavailable as a mother.

I know forgiving myself for my past mistakes is part of making amends to those I love the most. And living a sober life full of joy, excitement, activity and love is the path to healing.

But writing it down is really hard. Being honest is hard. Converting the reality of a situation that seemed so surreal is hard.

I will try to post tomorrow. This is one aspect of my life that I just can’t lie and pretend that high functioning meant fulfilling the parenting role my kids deserve. I am definitely doing that now. But I wasn’t for a while there.

I’m glad I have enlisted a nice therapist so we can talk about these things openly. Keeping problems hidden was required in my family when I was growing up. I hate skeletons in the closet. It is much scarier to not know than to have to discuss uncomfortable subjects.

I have great kids. Kids who truly supported me when I was alone and depressed and struggling to cope. Who are my husband and i’s greater allies. Who perhaps know more about mental health and addiction than they should, but who show kindness and compassion. For that I am truly grateful.

Although I would like to sweep this whole conversation under the rug, i strongly believe that sharing the bad stories as well as the good help us all. Perhaps my own regrets and hindsight will cause another mom or dad to pause, look at their children, and realize they need a sober parent.

Sigh. Off to reflect, but not wallow.

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8 thoughts on “Motherhood

  1. “I know forgiving myself for my past mistakes is part of making amends to those I love the most. And living a sober life full of joy, excitement, activity and love is the path to healing.” I love this – so true. And I love the fact that you are open with your kids. Surely, in the long run, this has to be the healthiest way to be. Hugs. xx

  2. I’m sure your stories will mirror so many of ours, so don’t be too hard on yourself and take your time with it. the most important thing is that you’re now sober and present for them. honestly it’s the best gift of sobriety.

  3. Reflect, not wallow. I love that! That is something I most definitley will think to use myself. I feel like you do, sometimes just depressed. At least you are willing to open the doors to those skeletons. I often hear mine knocking, but I am too afraid to open the door. 😉

  4. You are doing such a wonderful job as a mother now and as a sober support to so many people around you. Our kids can look at the sober us and be proud that their parents overcame something so difficult- in the end all of it makes us stronger and more wise human beings. Thanks for your honest post:) xo

  5. Hi Anne,

    I am reading older posts, catching up with others’ sober journeys. This post really hit home with me. I have such feelings of guilt and shame for the times I have not been present for my family. It seems we are all in such similar situations. It is so helpful to connect with others who understand. Thanks for writing!

    Kimberly

    1. I mean to write more on this.
      I have really noticed that as the year has gone by my kids are much more relaxed around me. Probably because I am no longer so focused on “poor me” than I used to be.
      There is no poor me. That was definitely the booze. I have an awesome life!

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