Be Brave

This was inspired by Momastery today.
Being brave…I have always wanted to be braver than I am. To do spontaneous, unexpected things. To be bold. To have people marvel at the wild and crazy things I did.
But that just isn’t me. I am actually happier with my book, my cup of tea and contentment in knowing how and where things are. So living up to my aspirations of bravery was really hard to do.
In my early 20’s I tried adopting the motto Carpe Diem. Sieze the day. I had it imprinted on a ring. When that inner voice cautioned me against doing things I was unsure of I often pulled out the ring and said Carpe Diem. I did lots of things I might have never otherwise done following that philosophy. Many of those things weren’t particularly helpful or healthy. And I was often left with regret.
In January 2013 I found the ring again. I had joined a life coaching program and was looking for inspiration. During that whole year I was seriously trying to quit drinking. I had done enough work on self awareness and happiness to realize booze was the biggest negative impact in my life. But I could not figure out how to stop. Every week I made a plan that included no alcohol. I would list the reasons not to drink. I would try to think of the benefits of being alcohol free. Then Friday night would come around and everyone else would pull out the booze and I would throw caution to the wind, thinking I was grasping onto life and living it to the max. Carpe Diem, bitches. Full of aggression and self righteousness.
How blind I was. My inner voice was calling for me to see the self destruction that was happening and I couldn’t hear it over my ego. Instant gratification took precedence over self care. In fact, I had no self care as I was so full of shame, anger and self loathing that I didn’t want to care for myself. Mostly I just wished I would shrivel up and disappear. Hurting myself felt justified.
I came across the ring a while ago. Sober, Carpe Diem has a whole new meaning to me now. Seize the day means grasp on to today with both hands and live it the best way I can. Listen to my heart. Be brave with my story. Show myself and others compassion and kindness. Tell the kids I love them and smother them with kisses. Eat the cheesecake if that’s what I feel like. Or the salad. Whatever makes my body happy. I savour every pose in the yoga class. I choose not to go for a run because I hate running. I breathe deeply and when I close my eyes I feel the connection of all beings.
Carpe Diem was the right motto for me all along. I just needed to open my heart to understand that being brave for others is not the same as being brave for me.
How will you be brave today?