Yesterday I wrote about my moment of joy. I have worked hard to enjoy these moments, to stay in them. To not feel like I am committing hubris and risking the wrath of the gods by being fully happy with what I have. This is a tough one.
I got a call at work yesterday afternoon that my 11 year old son had hurt himself on the playground. He also texted me – chest hurts, seeing double, please come get me. YIKES. So I rushed to the school. He was clearly off, so we had a quick trip to the er. As we waited he improved. We finally saw the doctor and he felt the pain of the injury had brought on a migraine. No major damage. And, with a huge sigh of relief, we went home.
For a person with some real anxiety issues this was a very tough one. My mindful practice really helped. I don’t let my thoughts wander into the realm of what if. Because there are so many what ifs that they drive me crazy.
It hit me when we got home. That black, sticky, tight feeling in my chest. That voice inside that calls – have a drink. Do it. And it doesn’t want a nice glass of white wine. It wants me to drink the jack from the bottle. To wish I could stop myself, to KNOW I don’t want it, but to do it anyway. To regret and loath. And continue to drink.
This was my compulsive behaviour. It kept me drinking long after I knew I should stop. Long after I desperately wanted to stop. I don’t feel it much any more. But there it was.
I’m not an expert on yoga philosophy, but I will tell you what I believe today, because it helped.
I believe this is my ego. It wants me to feel isolated and alone. It does this by creating those self destructive and self defeating thoughts. But I know this now, and I can feel the anxiety,the pull to ruin things, the bizarre need to destroy the very things I cherish the most.
And I can let it go. To sit through the rising panic. to breath.
These are hard moments. I have created a safe zone for myself. There is no alcohol in our house. I know there are people who I can reach out for if the thoughts become overwhelming. That I should and will reach out to today. I hope by writing this I remember that I am strong and grateful and part of something so much bigger than just me. I am not alone.