Compulsion

Yesterday I wrote about my moment of joy. I have worked hard to enjoy these moments, to stay in them. To not feel like I am committing hubris and risking the wrath of the gods by being fully happy with what I have. This is a tough one.

I got a call at work yesterday afternoon that my 11 year old son had hurt himself on the playground. He also texted me – chest hurts, seeing double, please come get me. YIKES. So I rushed to the school. He was clearly off, so we had a quick trip to the er. As we waited he improved. We finally saw the doctor and he felt the pain of the injury had brought on a migraine. No major damage. And, with a huge sigh of relief, we went home.

For a person with some real anxiety issues this was a very tough one. My mindful practice really helped. I don’t let my thoughts wander into the realm of what if. Because there are so many what ifs that they drive me crazy.

It hit me when we got home. That black, sticky, tight feeling in my chest. That voice inside that calls – have a drink. Do it. And it doesn’t want a nice glass of white wine. It wants me to drink the jack from the bottle. To wish I could stop myself, to KNOW I don’t want it, but to do it anyway. To regret and loath. And continue to drink.

This was my compulsive behaviour. It kept me drinking long after I knew I should stop. Long after I desperately wanted to stop. I don’t feel it much any more. But there it was.

I’m not an expert on yoga philosophy, but I will tell you what I believe today, because it helped.

I believe this is my ego. It wants me to feel isolated and alone. It does this by creating those self destructive and self defeating thoughts. But I know this now, and I can feel the anxiety,the pull to ruin things, the bizarre need to destroy the very things I cherish the most.

And I can let it go. To sit through the rising panic. to breath.

These are hard moments. I have created a safe zone for myself. There is no alcohol in our house. I know there are people who I can reach out for if the thoughts become overwhelming. That I should and will reach out to today. I hope by writing this I remember that I am strong and grateful and part of something so much bigger than just me. I am not alone.

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10 thoughts on “Compulsion

  1. You are very strong and I am glad you are blogging and sharing. Thank you. You handled this all so well. Perhaps it is because you are gutting to know yourself so well. I feel that is happening with me. I am getting more in touch with myself, and realizing more why I do certain things or react certain ways, and it is helping in many situations. I am so relieved your son is all right!

  2. Yes, you are strong! And getting to know yourself and be comfortable being that self is huge. I think I always turned to wine because it helped me be more at ease with myself. Today is only 14 days for me, I can’t blow any trumpets in my behalf yet and I have a long long journey ahead, but your sharing here is very helpful,

    Thank you

  3. I had that same dark voice in my head this evening. something my oldest did frustrated me and got me shouting. I happened to be standing right next to the cabinet with the wine racks. I felt that natural pull to grab a glass, but I was able to resist. the satisfaction I get from resisting beats any fleeting feeling a drink will give me.

  4. I am trying to be more mindful. Like Analie (above), I am on 14 days. Some negative thinking has made things harder, so I am working on that. It’s not easy! I find that your blog and comments help me such a lot. Annie x

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