I am pretty taken with yoga. I’m reading a book called Meditations form the Mat by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison. Each day has a new reading about yoga and the yoga sutras. I am still early in the book as I am trying to read one reading a day. This requireds immense control from me as I am still a bit of an instant gratification type. sigh
Today’s reading included the saying if you do what you did, you get what you got. This was always my issue in the past. I knew I was drinking too much. I knew it was hurting me mentally, spiritually and physically. I knew my behaviour was self destructive. I wanted to stop it. But I kept doing the same things. Kept buying wine. Kept inviting friends over for drinks. Kept drinking. I created many plans for myself during this time. Exercise and diet plans that I followed with military precision. Rules and requirements. Hoping that somehow my ability to exercise for hours a day, or survive on 800 calories a day would make me quit drinking.
But that’s not how it works. In the book there is a discussion of the two aspects of yoga in relation to the quote. Practice and renunciation. I could plan to quit drinking till the cows came home, but until I put those words into practice, I was unsuccessful. I knew what I wanted to renounce, but I was too scared to do it. How would I last without my crutch, my wine?
Putting the plans into Practice will be different for everyone. On my Last Day One I called a therapist. I spoke up to my husband about how I thought I needed to stop drinking as I was just so unhappy and filled with self loathing. I emptied the house of booze.
I continue to practice these things. I don’t buy booze. I am open and honest with my family. And I see my therapist regularly.
Recovery requires continuous practice. I am willing to do the work for the beautiful payoff I have received. My life.